


Paint The Town

by Ardwynna Morrigu (Ardwynna)



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2004-07-16
Updated: 2010-09-28
Packaged: 2017-10-12 06:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 41,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardwynna/pseuds/Ardwynna%20Morrigu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zack tries to save Sephiroth from himself and turns the General's life upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Combat

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Warnings:** This follows the events of 'Rising Through the Ranks', though it should not be entirely necessary to read that fic first. If you are a dedicated homophobe, heterophobe, anti-Seph, anti-Zack, anti-Aeris or uncomfortable with a portrayal of Sephiroth as less than perfect, this may not be the fic for you.

 **Genre:** General – A little bit of everything. MUAHAHAHA;)

 **Paint the Town**

 **Combat**

 _Blue, Paint the town blue, Turn the whole world upside down._

\- _'Blue', 3Canal_

"What they got you doing now, General?" Zack scooped the top file off the staggering heap on his commanding officer's wide oak desk. He shoved the inbox aside to make room for himself and began flipping through the pages. "MIA reports?" He was incredulous.

"Get off my desk, Zachary." The General's voice was clipped and curt and cold as ever. Zack pretended he had not heard him.

"They got you going through these things individually? Shiva's tits, man, you'll still be working on these when you're dead!" He wriggled around to make more space for himself, completely oblivious to the glare that was directed at his back. "We won the war, but still, it wasn't easy, no matter what Mr. President said to the media."

"Zachary!" The sharpness of the tone made the dark-haired man turn. His superior was glaring at him from an executive style leather chair. "Get off my desk!"

Zachary, being Zachary, was feeling a little reckless that day. "What for?" he drawled.

Green eyes narrowed at him. "You're not on my to-do list. Now remove yourself from my desk before I do it myself."

Zachary was ever a rash soul, but even he knew when to stop pushing it. He calmly slid off the desk and turned around to study the General.

The silver-haired man had his head bent over the reports. His eyes were intense and though he seemed to be skimming, just idly leafing through the pages, Zack knew that not a single detail escaped notice.

"Typo on page four," the man murmured, "Third paragraph, second line, seventh word."

Zack shivered. His commanding officer's rapid precision was uncanny. It was the stuff of whispered rumor all throughout the military and beyond, but very few ever saw evidence of it up close now that the war was over.

The General tossed the offensive file aside in disgust. There was an ugly snarl on his face in the second before he drew another from the heap. The man's temper was just as legendary. The General – capital 'T', capital 'G' – had the appearance of nothing short of absolute perfection and he demanded the same of everyone and everything around him. Anything less irked him no end. Zack could see the tension in the man's shoulders. All over a typo.

The stress was getting to the man. As Second-in-Command, Zack was in a position to observe what very few would ever even dream of seeing. He knew things that would have had the legions of fresh-faced, eager recruits reeling if they found out. He knew that The General was…flawed.

Suicidal tendencies could hardly be considered normal under any circumstances. Zack was not even sure how suicidal the man truly was. Sephiroth had been so calm and matter-of-fact when he had described his last attempt. Zack had been pretty sure it was not the first, though the man had mentioned nothing else on the matter.

Something was fast driving Shinra's finest to the breaking point. Perhaps he was already there, or worse, had gone right past it to the point of seeming almost normal again. Zack watched the man turn pages, reading at such a pace that the reports might have burned up with the speed with which they were signed and set aside. Much more of this and Sephiroth would snap. Again. At himself, at Zachary, at the SOLDIER candidates, anyone who was unfortunate to get in his path. No wonder most people gave the man wide berth. Those who were not in absolute awe were afraid.

"Hey," Zack leaned in. "How about we take a break?" He had to do something. He had made a silent promise to himself soon after Sephiroth had confessed to playing with poison. It was part of his duty, keeping the General safe from all threats and that included any dangers the man posed to himself. "Sephiroth," he hollered again, knowing that the use of the man's name would get his attention. "I said let's take a break."

Sephiroth paused and looked up. "I don't see why _we_ need to take a break. I'm the only one doing any work here."

Zack rolled his eyes but it was lost on the man, who had already dived back into the sea of reports. "Come on, Seph!" He was treading on dangerous ground with that one, but if one method did not work, more stringent measures were needed. "How about a sparring match? Just you and me and a couple of swords." The General's glare could have frozen a volcano, but Zack had committed himself to his unofficial mission. He would bear the risks. "It'll work the kinks out of your back," he continued with a lightness that was only half-true. "I'm sure you must be really stiff from sitting there all morning." Zack waggled his eyebrows at the man. That usually got a response from people. His girlfriend giggled at it. His trainees tried not to laugh, unsure if such a thing was appropriate in front of a First Class SOLDIER. The Shinra secretaries called him a tease.

Sephiroth only watched him with a stony expression. Zack felt his mouth go dry. Sephiroth's silences were dangerous. No one had ever figured out how to read him. His reaction was completely unpredictable.

The silver-haired man stood. Zack kept his grin plastered firmly on his face, though his cheeks were beginning to hurt from the effort. He willed his feet to stay right where they were. He had been through a war with this man, but that did not make Sephiroth any less intimidating, especially when the man drew himself up to his full regal height.

Sephiroth walked out from behind his desk. Zack swallowed, but kept grinning. He really wanted a glass of water, but there was no time for that. He instinctively braced himself for a quick toss and a hard landing. The smile on his face grew a touch more genuine at that thought. Let Sephiroth throw him out. He would get right up and walk back in. The General was not going to get rid of him so easily. After all, he was just doing his duty.

Sephiroth stopped two feet away from him. The two men stared at each other for a while, one nearly bursting with adrenaline and the other, completely still and calm.

"Let's go."

Two words. That was it. Sephiroth walked over to the wall to remove the Masamune from its bracket. Zack stared. Had Sephiroth really just accepted his offer? In the middle of a heap of work. He blinked. The General was already heading out the door.

Zack sprung into motion. He followed behind, eager and excited. First he had to retrieve his sword from his own office down the hall, but he had actually gotten through to Sephiroth and not lost any body parts in the process. It was a start. Perhaps guarding the man would not be as difficult as he had first expected.

"I'll meet you on the training level!" he hollered as he ran. Sephiroth might have given him a small nod of acknowledgement in the brief moment before the elevator door closed, but it was not important. Zack was itching to spar. It had been too long since he had fought a truly challenging training match. The General usually preferred to train alone, though how he honed his skills to such perfection without an opponent was anyone's guess. Zack yipped as he burst into his tiny office. Things were going his way.

Sephiroth took advantage of the privacy of the elevator. He rubbed his forehead with one hand. Searching through all those reports was an endless chore and Zachary was quite right. He likely would be searching well into his next life, even with his accelerated reading rate. Still, it had to be done.

He appreciated the break his second had offered nonetheless. There were times that Sephiroth regretted ever admitting to attempting suicide. It had been a moment of weakness perhaps, not that he had made the attempt, but that he had confessed, and to that ever-babbling Zachary, of all people. Fortunately it seemed that Zack did know how to keep quiet about some things. If anyone had even hinted at something being wrong with the 'Great SOLDIER', Sephiroth would have skinned the man and made a coat from his hide.

The elevator chimed as it reached the training level. Sephiroth stepped out carefully and made his way to his private workout room. He walked stiffly, straight-backed and proud. Heads turned as he passed. Combat technique classes stopped as he walked by. There were salutes on all sides, stares of wonder, glares of silent envy and curious whispers as he moved on. No doubt the cadets, training officers and SOLDIER candidates were wondering what he was doing here. It was none of their business. He did not let his gaze stray from the path in front of him.

He had to remove his glove to press his palm against the sensor lock of his training room. He entered quietly and shut the door behind him, careful not to lock it so that his second could get in. Sephiroth removed his heavy coat and walked across the room. The far wall was glass, heavily tinted to prevent anyone from seeing inside while letting in some natural light. The view would have been wonderful if it had been of anything other than Midgar. Sephiroth turned away. He went out to the middle of the hard floor and took a few practice swings.

He was glad for the break, but truly, Zachary had been making a thorough pest of himself lately. Sephiroth did not mind a little chatter now and then, but Zachary never stopped. Never. And the hedgehog-headed man was sticking to his C.O. like a tattoo. No getting rid of him now, no, sir, not since Zachary had so 'heroically' pulled the unconscious man out of a burning apartment.

Sephiroth sighed. If things went well with this match, maybe he would be able to convince the man to back off and give him his much-needed space.

The door creaked open and Sephiroth drew himself into a relaxed, but ready position. Zachary entered with his monstrosity of a weapon slung over his shoulder. Sephiroth hid his frown of disdain at the thing. Zachary knew how to wield the thing, of course, and he did it very well, but Sephiroth himself had always preferred a more elegant looking weapon. He studied his own sword as Zachary readied himself.

The Masamune was perfect, from hilt to tip. Sephiroth polished it religiously every night and its thin width reflected a bright sliver of the sky behind him. The blade's edge was so dangerously thin that on bare flesh it could carve a line so fine that it would only be noticeable once the first trickle of blood began to seep.

Zack walked out to the middle of the floor, grinning like the idiot he was. Sephiroth smirked. This boy was getting schooled today. The swordsmen stepped into the ring, eyeing each other with wary respect. They stepped closer, crossed swords and it began.

Zack leapt back quickly, expecting a lightning attack from the General, but Sephiroth was content to stand in a defensive position, with the Masamune held straight to ward off any forward attack. The silver-haired man was far beyond a novice's need to make the first move. Zack grew wide-eyed as he circled the man. Was Sephiroth smirking at him? Well, he would show that pasty pale cardboard cutout of a man a few things.

He feinted to one side and with rapid footwork, lunged forward. Metal clashed and the men paused, frozen in the moment. Zack studied the General's easy posture and the absolute lack of strain on the man's face. The sheer weight of the Buster sword would have slowed a weaker man, but Zack had trained hard. He knew his weapon as well he knew himself, but this knowledge was nothing next to Sephiroth's ease with the Masamune.

Swords pushed against each other and the men stepped back, circling each other slowly. Zack grinned with the thrill of it. Zack whirled and lunged again, and again, Sephiroth blocked him. Zack pressed forward but could gain no ground. Sephiroth laughed and pushed him off. Zack glared. The game was on now.

It was a slow match at first. Sephiroth was content to simply defend himself from Zack's carefully planned attacks. The Masamune's extreme length was no hindrance to combat. Far from it. Zack could hardly get in close enough. Each lunge was met with the metallic clang of a rapid parry and he often could not even recall seeing the other man move.

The match picked up the pace as it went on. Zack kept swinging, spinning, whirling, forcing himself to be more creative, but Sephiroth was ready for him at every turn. The sound of ringing metal echoed through the room, growing faster with each moment.

Sephiroth pushed Zack off with his sword at each turn. The dark-haired man did not have time to wonder at his opponent's strength. His heart was thundering in his chest and yet Sephiroth had barely broken a sweat. The General had yet to make a truly offensive maneuver as well. One fierce shove sent Zack whirling. He grinned as he spun, reigning in the weight of his blade to control his movement. He dropped down to one knee and made a violent swing with the Buster sword. Sephiroth lightly stepped out of the way and stopped the wide blade with his own deceptively narrow one. Zack caught the man's smirk in the reflection.

That was too much. It was bad enough that Sephiroth hardly seemed to be putting effort into the match. His speed was godly and his strength divine. His skill was mind-blowing. Zachary was willing to concede all that, but did the man absolutely have to be laughing inside as well? That just would not do.

Zack rose to his feet, furious. He launched a rapid series of violent thrusts only to be blocked at every turn. He felt the sweat pouring down his face. Sephiroth hardly seemed ruffled. One parry brought the man in unusually close and for a moment Zack thought that he had actually pressed the man.

Sephiroth only smirked again at him over their crossed blades. "Too slow," he said, and shoved Zachary off.

Zack saw red. He had worked too hard to have anyone, even his General, call him 'slow'. He reeled in the his sword and leapt into the air with a wild cry. He used his sword's weight to angle himself into the perfect deadly somersault. He smelled his victory in the air. When he came down the hilt of his sword would connect neatly with Sephiroth's pretty, smirking head.

Time seemed to slow down as gravity took effect. Sephiroth still wore his wicked smile. Zack saw it too late, the flick of the wrist, the slender blade sweeping up in a shining arc. The Masamune connected with the Buster sword and tilted it just so, throwing Zack's spin off target and throwing him off balance as well. He had nothing to push against in midair to regain control.

Zack's heart reached his throat and in a flash of shock, he let his sword slip from his grasp. There was a moment that stretched out into eternity, when he saw the ceiling above him and Sephiroth's satisfied smile, when he knew that flailing would do no good, and he realized two things. The first was that he was going to land on his ass. The second was that it was going to hurt. A lot.

To tell the truth later, he did not really remember the landing. Sephiroth's expressionless face emerged from the stars he was seeing.

"Are you injured?" The man did not sound the least bit out of breath. Zack stared up at him blankly, thinking.

"No," he said finally. "I think I'll live."

Sephiroth nodded. "Good." He stepped away to sheath his sword. If Zachary had been anyone else, he would have been speechless.

"Aren't you going to help me up?" he shrieked. Sephiroth looked down at him.

"I thought you said you weren't injured."

Zack knocked the back of his head against the wooden floor. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate a hand up." He lay back and waited. Sephiroth just stared at him.

After a while it became apparent that the General saw no need whatsoever to help his Second. Zack groaned and hauled himself off the floor. He rose shakily, and used the Buster sword to prop himself up. His tailbone was going to have a pretty ugly bruise come morning.

Sephiroth frowned at Zack. "Don't damage my floor with your sword."

Zack's jaw dropped. "Damn it, Sephiroth, here I am, hurting and aching. You won't offer me a hand up or anything and you're worried about your goddamned _floor_?" He slung the offending blade over his shoulder. "You really are a bastard."

Sephiroth was already heading towards the door. If the words stung him, he showed no sign of it. He picked his coat and gloves up, unruffled as ever. Zack dragged himself over to his commanding officer, wincing at the pain in his lower back.

"I'll get you for this, Sephiroth," he wheezed, aching and cranky from it. "I'll teach you a thing or two about being nice to people. Just you wait."

Sephiroth gave him an amused look and ushered Zack out the door. He did not wait for the man. He just headed for the heavenly silence of his office. Just as he had hoped, Zachary did not bother him for the rest of the day.

\--------

 **Time:** 3hrs 32 mins

 **Music:** Paint the Sky With Stars – Enya

 **Notes:** I had so much fun with 'Rising Through The Ranks' that I wanted to do it again, and I always did want to write about Zack and Seph. Not much of a definite plot for this so I'll just see where it takes me. That in itself would be a new approach for me. I hope I don't bore you to tears with it. =P


	2. First Aid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** some m/m content

**Warnings:** some m/m content

 **Paint The Town**

 **First Aid**

There were few things Sephiroth appreciated as much as the stillness of early morning. In that brief halfway point between day and night, peace reigned, even for a SOLDIER, and the dawning day made even Midgar seem fresh and new.

He rose before the dawn every day, a habit acquired during training, just so he could enjoy the solitude. With no movement around him, and no sound, it was easy to pretend that there was no one else in the world, that he was free to be alone.

Sephiroth treasured his time away from prying eyes and the demands of his position. He would make himself coffee and sip it standing near his window. It was a small comfort that he could rise from bed most mornings and while away the time instead of having to rush out of a tent and brace for war. Here, in his apartment, _his_ space in the building, his time was his own.

When the phone rang minutes before he normally rose from under the covers, he was not pleased. He answered politely and clearly nonetheless. Emergency calls from Commander Heidegger or even the President himself were not completely out of the question. The caller this particular morning, however, was completely out of line.

"SEPH!" Zack wailed into the phone. Sephiroth winced and was glad no one could see it. "SEPH! I hurt! All over, man, I can't move!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "What is this about, Zachary?"

The other man's voice sounded tinny and strained over the phone. "I can't move, Sir. My back hurts like hell. I feel like I've been run over by a herd of elfadunks!"

"So what do you expect me to do about that?" Sephiroth was half a breath away from putting the phone back on the hook and rolling over for a few minutes more sleep.

"It's YOUR fault I'm hurting like this," Zack hollered. "I can barely drag myself across the floor!" Sephiroth winced again. Even over the phone, Zack was loud. The General took a deep breath and rubbed his brow with his free hand.

"So?" he asked.

"Well, if you broke me, you should fix me!"

Sephiroth frowned at the phone, forgetting in the haze of half-sleep that Zack could not see him. "Is that how it works?"

"Yes, Sephiroth!" Zack huffed into the phone. "I swear, if you don't help me get fixed up, I will phone you every minute of the day!"

Sephiroth almost growled. "Yesterday you said you were fine."

Zack's voice was full of pain. "Well, I'm not fine now, okay? It just got worse overnight." There was a sound almost like a sob. "Please, Sephiroth, at least try to act like a decent human being. I tried to walk down to the infirmary myself but I can hardly move anymore."

Sephiroth ordinarily would not have cared whether a thing was decent or proper or not. He did what suited him best, but he had an uncomfortable feeling that Zack would make good on his threat. He sighed quietly. "Fine. I'll be at your door in a few minutes." He put the phone down without waiting for a reply and got up to salvage what peace he could for the day.

Ten minutes later he was at Zachary's door, looking as polished and unruffled as ever. He had brought a wheelchair from his own apartment. He never had gotten around to returning it to Hojo after the last time he had left the man's office in it. Sephiroth pressed the buzzer and the door slid open.

Zack was lying face down on the floor. He looked up with a strained grin as Sephiroth entered. "Hello," he said and flopped back onto the floor. He was still in dark blue flannel pajamas and the top had ridden up his back partway so Sephiroth could see the ugly bruise. It was like a storm cloud going south on Zachary's tailbone.

Sephiroth grunted and hauled his Second up. Zack hissed with the movement but offered no resistance. Sephiroth lowered the man into the wheelchair and pushed him out. Zack leaned forward in the seat, gasping each time the wheels went over so much as a ridge in the carpet. Sephiroth found the whole thing to be rather melodramatic.

"It can't be hurting that badly, Zachary."

"How would you know?" Zack snapped. Sephiroth frowned.

"Can you walk at all?"

Zack breathed heavily. "Yeah, but my back hurts so much it's really hard. You really know how to beat a body up, you realize that?"

"It's what I get paid for." Dry and clipped as ever. Sephiroth's apparent lack of concern began to grate on Zack. The look of pain on his face became a dark frown in the elevator. When the door opened to the infirmary floor, Sephiroth pushed the chair out hard. The way it jolted over the gap between elevator and floor was too much for Zack.

"Goddammit, can't you go easier than that?" he shrieked, alerting the entire floor to their presence.

Sephiroth was nonplussed. "I'm getting you to someone who can help as fast as possible. That was what you wanted, was it not?" Zack folded his arms and grumbled under his breath. Sephiroth frowned. He had already been woken out of what little sleep he could get and had his morning hours taken away by this noisy soldier. The least Zack could try to do was show a little gratitude. "Why should I even bother with this?" Sephiroth snapped.

Ordinarily Zack would have been wary of the General's temper, but the man's stubborn attitude, combined with the pain, pushed him beyond reason. He whipped his head around. "Because it's your fault my ass hurts like this!"

This was too much for Sephiroth. He was not called on to take back-answering from subordinates. Zack had gotten away with too much already. "You were the one who asked me to join you," he declared. "You were practically begging for it yesterday, so don't pretend that it's all my fault."

"But you didn't have to be so rough!"

"Take it like a man, Zachary. I don't go easy on anyone."

Zack was raging. "That's probably why you're stuck by yourself. Who would want to be your regular partner if you're going to be as brutal as that?"

"Somebody who can take it, obviously," Sephiroth pushed the wheelchair furiously down the hall. "If you're complaining about yesterday, we'd better not do it again. You got kid-glove treatment and you can't handle that!"

"I wouldn't be in this situation now if you'd just taken care of me afterwards!" Zack roared. Neither of them noticed the stares they were getting from the personnel on the floor.

"You said you were fine," Sephiroth snapped again. "Besides, it's not as if you were bleeding."

Zack faced front again and grumbled. Heads snapped away from the sight of Shinra's top field general wheeling his Second-in-Command down the hallway. The General was obviously not in a good mood.

After a while, something became apparent to Zack. "Isn't Hojo's treatment office on the other side of the floor?"

"Yes, Zachary."

Zack frowned. "Then why are we heading away from it?" He thought he heard an exasperated sigh behind him.

"Zachary, whatever they told you about SOLDIERs needing special medical care is a lie. If it's not a spell or a strange infection, regular medication will work just fine." Sephiroth knew this from his own experience. He had quite a stock of over-the-counter medication in his cabinet, mostly for headaches. It worked fine, despite the warnings Hojo had given him over the years. The skinny old scarecrow just wanted any excuse to monitor the mako-enhanced SOLDIERs, especially Sephiroth. The General gave him no more chances than absolutely necessary. He had more than enough 'appointments' there as it was.

Remarkably, the revelation seemed to quiet the dark-haired man down. He seemed to be thinking over the matter and did not even notice that Sephiroth took the last two corners a bit roughly.

The clinic that treated the Shinra staff was an odd mixture of worn cheer. There were artificial sunflowers, most in need of a good washing, on every available surface and the coffee tables in the waiting lounge were a repository of at least three years of back issues for Midgar's more popular magazines. Zack gave his name and number to the receptionist calmly then let Sephiroth wheel him into a corner near one of the plastic-coated couches. He busied himself with looking around.

Sephiroth picked up a yellowed issue of Homemaker's Journal and began to read. Zack was wide-eyed at the General's choice of material, but a warning glare over the pages kept him from saying anything. He resumed looking around. The room was mostly empty except for a few nurses hovering around. Every now and then one of them would look over in his direction and smother a giggle. Zack could not tell if they were looking at him or the General, but it was nice all the same.

The nurses were pretty cute, he decided. They were just the way he liked his nurses, young, fresh-faced, and with all the right curves. He had always found something special about nurse uniforms, though he could never figure out what. It might have been the way the starched white cloth folded over the hips, or maybe it was how the skirt's straight hem ended just above the knees. It could have been the cute little hats. A pretty blonde nurse caught him staring at hers and threw him a smile. Zack smiled back. Yes, it was definitely the hat.

Sephiroth caught the action even though he seemed absorbed in his magazine. "Aren't you seeing someone?" he asked caustically.

Zack almost blushed, though he did feel sheepish. "I'm dating, not dead," he offered weakly. Sephiroth huffed and went back to a very interesting recipe for pumpkin pie. After a few minutes, one of the nurses came over with another in tow. The younger one had a pin marked 'Trainee' over her nametag.

"Come with us, gentlemen. We need to fill out a preliminary report before you can see the doctor," the older dark-haired nurse said. She saw the confusion on Zack's face. "You don't have a file here. We'll treat you, but we do have procedure."

Zack sighed. "Okay then." He looked up and grinned the best he could with his pain. "Lead the way." He tried to rise from the chair and fell back down, gasping. Beside him, Sephiroth exhaled loudly.

The General put the magazine down and stood to resume his duty. He turned to go once he had wheeled Zack into the preliminary exam room, but Zack stopped him. "You might as well stay," Zack said. "You caused the problem." Sephiroth huffed and took a seat close to the door. The trainee smirked. Outside, a bell rung.

"There's somebody else to tackle," the older nurse said as she headed out. "Kira can handle this part for you." She looked at the younger woman. "Make sure you get all the data now." She shut the door with a soft click. Zack smiled up at Kira.

"Do what you got to do, gorgeous!"

Kira's smirk grew wider, though she threw a nervous glance Sephiroth's way. The General folded his arms across his chest and looked away. Everything about his pose screamed 'I have better things to do with my time'. Kira looked back at Zack, gave him a smile and then got to work.

The preliminary file turned out to be a long list of questions about the nature of his problem and his medical history. After about five minutes of answering questions about his father's blood pressure and whether his great-grandparents had ever had eczema, Zack had almost forgotten about the pain. Even if the questions seemed pointless, things did go better when the company was good, but he could not figure out why Kira almost seemed skeptical when he told her that he had fallen in a sparring match, or that his pain really was in his lower back and not too much lower.

Kira reached for an odd looking device that turned out to be a digital thermometer. "Under the tongue, now," she said, smiling, and Zack obliged. Blood pressure came after that. Kira took the all the readings carefully.

"Okay, next on the list," she took a glance. "When was your last bowel movement?" Zack gave a mental groan. Why did medical people always want to know that?

"What does that really have to do with anything?" Zack never dared to question real nurses, but Kira was just a trainee and not too intimidating. "I only need painkillers."

"That's for the doctor to decide," she said, and in that moment Zack had a glimpse of the tough, no-nonsense nurse she would become. It was a little scary. "Now when was that last bowel movement?" she asked again.

Zack sighed. "First thing this morning." He hated that question.

Kira wrote it down and took a look at the next thing on the list. "What was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?"

Zack was speechless for a moment. His mouth moved but his voice would not cooperate. It caught up after a while. "What?"

Kira looked up at him and sighed. "It's on the list. I have to put something down."

"Do you really have to?"

Kira nodded. "I didn't invent the procedure. I just follow it." Her expression grew a bit distraught. "If I don't do it right, I'll flunk out and never be a real nurse."

Zack would have felt sorry for her if the whole thing had not been so ridiculously embarrassing. "Look, I think it's pretty obvious that I've never had a menstrual cycle in my entire life."

"He might soon, though," Sephiroth broke his silence. "He's been quite snippy all morning. Could be PMS." Zack turned and glared at the man. Though Sephiroth did not so much as twitch, Zack was sure the man was getting a few laughs out of the whole thing.

Kira began to root around in a drawer. "Here." She placed a plastic cup in front of Zack. "You're going to have to take a pregnancy test. Just fill this up. Bathroom's right across the hall."

Zack stared at the cup, disbelieving. "What the hell is this?"

"It's just procedure," Kira said.

"Fill the cup, Zachary," Sephiroth ordered. "I don't have all day." Zack glared at the man again.

He refused any assistance getting to the bathroom. He was damned if he was going to take up anymore of his concerned General's time. He leaned carefully against the wall near the urinal and worked the lid off the cup.

"Pregnancy test," he muttered. "What is wrong with these people? Same thing that's wrong with the whole company, that's what. No wonder nothing ever gets done in time around here." The ache in his back was getting worse from standing, but he just could not seem to turn the tap on under pressure. "Dammit!"

The door swung open and two more people entered. Zack turned his head to face the tiles. There were rules that governed the way men interacted in public bathrooms. More specifically, they did not. Even with his eyes turned away, Zack caught a flash of bright red in his peripheral vision. He tried to keep his mind on the task at hand, but it was even more difficult with other people in the room. Especially since the redhead seemed to be having trouble.

"I can't shee da cup." The voice sounded familiar, though slurred.

"Hold still."

Zack heard a zipper being pulled down and hazarded a glance to the side. He saw a pair of familiar blue suits. He knew the Turks well enough, given his high rank and tendency to hit the bars hard every now and then, which appeared to be what Reno had been doing recently. Rude continued to hold Reno up. The redhead was clearly too drunk to do it on his own.

"Don't go till I tell you to," Rude told Reno.

Zack tried not to stare as Rude dipped a hand into the other Turk's pants. "Now, Rude?" Reno asked, looking back. Rude adjusted the aim.

"Now."

"Oh gods!" Zack was shocked so hard he completely forgot the rules about men in public restrooms. "Do you have to do that?" Rude said nothing, but kept on helping Reno to fill his cup. "Dude," Zack was horrified. "You're touching his tool!"

"I do it for a friend," Rude said simply.

"I can't watch this." Zack grabbed his own still-empty cup and limped into a stall. He waited until he heard a zipper go up again and the shuffle of feet, followed by a door closing shut. He shook his head and tried to solve his original problem.

He eventually finished the job and set the cup on the counter Kira had told him to. The wheelchair was gone from the examination room, as was the General, so he hobbled out to the waiting lounge again. He breathed carefully through clenched teeth as he moved. It was getting easier with practice but there was no reason that he should have to put up with the pain.

Some simple work with materia might have done the job, if it had been immediate, but he did not have a Cure materia of his own just yet. He had heard the things were only good for immediate concerns. Since he had not hurt this badly yesterday, he was not sure if it would work. Maybe he could ask the doctor, if he ever got to see one. He approached the couch where Sephiroth sat reading a copy of Good Homemaking. Zack sat down very carefully and said nothing about it. The General had some strange taste in reading material, but he also had a bad temper, devious amounts of patience and a six foot sword.

Across the room, Rude sat with Reno's head in his lap. The redhead was clutching his temple and whimpering slightly. Zack would have pitied the man more if he had not been so disturbed by the events in the bathroom.

Kira walked in before his thoughts went down scarier paths. She had a bunch of folders in her hand and she pulled one out as she approached him. "Here's your file, Sir. Your preliminary exam indicates nothing out of the ordinary beyond what you came in with, so you may proceed down that hall to the doctor's office."

"Thanks, gorgeous!" Zack took the file and began the laborious work of shuffle-hopping down the hall. Behind him, Kira turned to give Reno his file.

"Kin I go shee da doc now?" Reno drawled.

"Um," Zack heard the worry in Kira's voice. "Sir, according to your test results… you're pregnant." Zack spun around so quick it hurt. The entire lounge was silent. Rude took his sunglasses off and for once there was actual expression on his face – utter shock. Even the General lowered his magazine and stared.

"Congratulations," Sephiroth said, breaking the silence, then went back to reading.

Reno gazed up at Rude through beer goggles. "You're gonna be a daddy," he said, grinning. Rude glanced down.

"No, I'm not, Reno." He looked up at Kira. "There has to be some mistake."

Kira nodded. "I know, sir, but I did the test twice. I don't understand it either but I can't let him proceed until it's cleared up."

Zack turned away and resumed hobbling towards the door. He wondered if he had actually hit his head instead of his back when he fell. Nothing was making sense this morning. Maybe he was really unconscious and this was all just a dream.

Behind him, he heard Reno howl. "Don't call our baby a mishtake!"

 **  
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* * *

**  
**

**Time:** 4 hrs, 21 mins.

 **Music:** 'Mass Destruction' by Faithless

 **Notes:** Gift chapter for Akira Majere, based on my own exasperation with procedure at the Student Health Center. Last time I went in it was for a sprained ankle.


	3. Consultation

**Paint The Town**

 **Consultation**

"Aeris?"

"Yes, Zack?"

"I have this friend who has…well, he's got some problems."

Aeris rolled her eyes and went back to weeding her flowerbed. Whenever anyone dared to seek her advice with a problem, it always started with the mysterious 'friend'. She wondered what was bothering Zack this time.

"What's his problem, Zack?"

The SOLDIER sat gingerly on the edge of the front pew with his hands clasped on his knees. "He's got no friends at all." Aeris looked up at him, puzzled. "That's the main thing. I think I know part of the reason he's all alone, but the rest of the story is beyond me."

Aeris considered for a minute. It certainly could not be Zack himself who had that kind of problem. He had plenty of friends. And admirers. And Zack was not the type to worry about his own issues anyway. He always had a plan, something positive for a future full of hope. The way he sat now, slumped forward and head bowed, he seemed unnaturally defeated and almost as if he were praying for divine intervention. So, Zack had a friend who had no friends?

"He can't have absolutely no friends if you're there, Zack."

He actually chuckled at that. "I guess you're right. Still, I don't see anyone else hanging around to talk to him."

A friend to the friendless, Zack certainly was that. He stuck by her no matter how many more beautiful women flirted with him. Though he liked to tease, he was always on his best behavior with her and he listened to everything, even if he did not understand.

She leaned back on her heels. "What's wrong with your friend?" she asked. Zack brushed his hair back and frowned as he thought of how to answer.

"He's…mean." He looked at her apologetically, but that was the best he could offer.

Aeris was confused. "Mean?"

"I don't think it's really intentional, but anytime he says something, it's cold. It's like it's a reflex or something." When Aeris said nothing he continued, launching into a full list of his friend's problems. "He's got no people skills and he keeps driving people off. He keeps acting like he doesn't want anyone around him."

"Maybe he really doesn't want anyone around him," Aeris said wryly and continued yanking weeds.

"No," Zack leaned forward into an oddly precarious position. "It's not like that. I think he needs company. He…does things sometimes." He wrung his hands, unwilling to divulge all he knew, even if he had not told Aeris his friend's name. "And sometimes, he gets this look on his face and he seems so sad."

Aeris leaned back on her heels and considered. This sounded serious. "What was your original plan?"

Zack sighed and raised his eyes from the flowerbed. "I was just sticking close by him. You know, give him somebody to talk to if he feels like opening up, get him to take his mind off work now and then." He sighed again. "I keep an eye out if he ever tries anything crazy again."

"This is at work?" Aeris asked. Zack nodded. No harm letting her know that, he supposed. He had lots of buddies in SOLDIER. It could be anyone and Aeris did not know all that many Shinra personnel anyway.

Aeris pushed her hair away from her face with a forearm. "How well do you get along outside of work?"

Zack frowned. "Outside of work?" He looked all around as he considered. "We don't do much outside of work, really. I mean, I've sat around with him a couple of times but not really under normal circumstances." Realization dawned as he watched Aeris smile knowingly. "I should do something after hours with him, you think?"

Aeris nodded. "Sure. You hang out with your other friends a lot, don't you?"

Zack blew a stray hair from his eyes. "Yeah, but I really don't think this one's the drinking type." He felt a bit uneasy admitting that to Aeris. He really wanted to be perfect for her and that meant not coming off like a wild man who drank his paycheck. She did not seem to notice though, so he kept going. "He's all work, really. Like he's married to his job and honeymooning in Paperwork Island. I don't know what he'd like to do."

Aeris yanked a toughly rooted green blade from the earth and reached for her watering can. "Why don't you ask him? Or at the very least hang around with him till you get some idea of what he would appreciate."

Zack considered it and then gave her a lopsided grin. "Hang around after hours. God, it'll drive him nuts!"

Aeris rolled her eyes. "You're not just doing all this to annoy the poor guy, are you?"

"Aeris, you wound me," Zack declared melodramatically, a hand at his chest and mock-grief on his face. "How could you think I would ever do such a thing to that poor soul?"

"I know you, Zack."

"Oh yeah," Zack ducked his head, chastened but smiling. He still did not lean back in the pew. It was a wonder he did not fall off.

"Zack, why don't you lean back and relax. I don't know how you're managing to stay seated like that."

Zack looked vaguely horrified and this time, it was real. "I can't lean back, Aeris. My back is hurt." Aeris stood up and walked over to him.

"Turn around. Let me see," she said quietly. Zack stood and found himself obeying before he though about it. The girl had an unusual touch with healing, and she had a way of giving orders too.

He felt her hands tug at his knit shirt. He yanked it out of his pants and pulled it over his head. Two tiny hands touched the small of his back where the bruise began. It was smaller than it had been, no longer trailing in a narrow line up the ridge of his spine, but what crested over the horizon of his belt was still an ugly shade of purple. Zack inhaled sharply as Aeris touched a tender spot. She drew her hands away just as quickly.

"Did that hurt?" There was so much concern in her voice. Zack answered between deep breaths.

"No, it's okay." It had not been pain he felt when her hands touched him. He felt her fingers touch him again and had to force himself to stay perfectly still. It had been so long since he had actually had anyone touch him like that. He had given up stopping for burgers, as the saying goes, and directed all his attempts to bringing home the steak. Quitting cold turkey had not been easy though and now that he had _Aeris_ touching him, he could hardly help himself.

"Drop your pants."

"Huh?" He whipped around to look at her, afraid that he had heard wrong. There was nothing but clinical concern on her face.

"Drop your pants a bit, Zack. I need to see the whole thing if I'm going to do anything about it."

Zack nodded and turned around again. He bowed his head to hide a blush he did not have and fumbled with the belt's huge buckle. He held his breath when a pair of slender arms snaked around his waist to help him. He could feel Aeris' warm breath on his bare back. So what if he wasn't getting lucky tonight? He had a pretty girl undoing his belt. That was never a bad thing.

She let him handle the zipper alone. His hands seemed all thumbs as he worked. All he could think of was the way she was tracing the edges of the bruise while she waited. He finally succeeded and let his pants slip a couple of inches lower than they had been. Any lower and he would be showing Aeris something he was not sure he wanted her to see just yet.

"It's big," she said. Zack felt his mouth go dry. Her hands were on his back again and there seemed to be a soothing coolness flowing from her fingertips. His back felt slowly better under her light touch. She kept running her fingers over his tender flesh. If there was some pattern to it, he could not tell. His mind was almost blank, capable of nothing but thinking '… _girl…hands…pants_ …'

Zack felt his knees go weak. His grip on his baggy pants loosened and there was a rush of cool air as they sank to the ground.

"Zack!" Aeris shrieked.

The SOLDIER woke out of his daydream and reached too late to rescue his pants from plummeting. He flailed and stumbled and hit the wooden floor on his stomach with a loud smack. He rolled over as quickly as he could, paying no attention to the residual pain in his back and yanked his pants back up, hoping he had not terrified Aeris with the sight and that the gods would not punish him too harshly for his behavior in church. He got the belt buckled with record speed this time and stood up, definitely blushing now, to face his young girlfriend.

Her eyes were wide with shock at what she had seen. Zack felt his heart sink. If she thought he was some kind of weirdo after this…

"Zack," she whispered, breathless with surprise. He braced for the worst. "Dancing moogle boxer shorts, Zack?"

 **Time** : 1 hr, 42 mins

 **Music:** My Heart Beats Like a Drum – ATC

 **Notes:** Not my best effort, I'm afraid. I'm currently scrounging for internet access and it will be a month before I actually have an address again. I'll keep up the best I can, but don't worry. I'll catch up with everyone and everything when I'm done with Summer Moving: Episode 2. Later, gator! =D


	4. I Wanna Be Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint The Town**

**Paint The Town**

 **I Wanna Be Like You**

Zack was in much better spirits the next morning when he made his way to Sephiroth's office. His back felt great and Aeris had not laughed _too_ much at his shorts. There was pep in his step and a smile on his face. The smile froze when he got a look at Sephiroth's new secretary.

She was long-limbed and blonde and sat behind the huge desk outside the double oak doors with just the perfect air of primness. Zack was intrigued till he realized that she seemed to be wearing a week's worth of makeup. The cold look she was giving him did not help either. It was as if she did not recognize him at all. Then Zack saw her suit.

Top military personnel had military staff, right down to the gofers and coffee makers. This woman, in her _very_ low-cut suit of black, devoid of any badge or indication of rank, had more likely been assigned from the general Shinra secretarial pool. Zack could not for the life of him figure out why the General would have a non-military secretary. What was Sephiroth thinking? Zack raised his hand to push the door open and find out.

"Where do you think you're going?" A high pitched voice rang out. Zack turned with a sigh. This was one of the problems with civilian workers.

"Name's Zachary Donovan. I'm the General's Second. I'm just going to…give him a report." That was not exactly true, but then the other secretaries, temps carefully assigned from the army, had always recognized him and never questioned his business. The blonde woman seemed only a bit mollified.

"I have to announce you before you can go in," she said imperiously. Zack grinned broadly. There was nothing the old Zachary charm could not get out of the ladies. All he had to do was rub this one the right way and she would not hold him back anymore.

"You go right ahead." He held his hands up, away from the door. "I understand. Protocol and all that." For the first time that morning, she smiled at him, but just as quickly wiped the look from her face. She leaned over the speaker phone and fiddled with it.

"Um…" Her hand hovered over the buttons and she mumbled under her breath. "Which one is it, come on, which one?" Zack could hear every word thanks to the mako in his system. He tiptoed up and leaned over her shoulder.

"It's that one." He pointed. The girl jumped with a squeal and just as quickly stiffened up.

"I'll thank you not to sneak up on a person like that, Mr. Donovan." Every word was blowing frost. Zack had to smother a grin. What was up with this icy act? It was almost like she was trying to act like…Zack drove that thought from his head. It was too spooky and weird.

The girl pressed the button and looked a bit perplexed. Zack leaned over her again and was about to speak when he noticed that her neckline plunged much deeper than he had first realized. He leaned back quickly. He ordinarily was not one to complain about women pushing the limits of the workplace dress code, but that seemed like an awful amount of skin to be showing in the office. He stared at the ceiling, considering the possibility that dating Aeris might have actually given him standards.

"What is it?" A deep angry voice came over the phone. The girl twitched excitedly.

"Sir, a …"she turned halfway to look at Zack. He mouthed his name at her and she swiveled back sharply on her seat. "There's a Zachary Donovan here to see you, Sir. Shall I send him in or have security escort him out?" Zack was shocked. Security? Toss _him_ out? Was Sephiroth mad at him?

"For God's sake, woman, send him in and don't hold him back any longer!"

"Yes, Sir! Right away, Sir!" The girl turned, flushed and gasping with excitement. Her jacket bloused open enough to reveal her dubious cleavage. "You may proceed."

Zack nodded, carefully keeping his eyes above her neck. "Thanks. You can stop pressing the button now." What the hell was going on here? He slid into the office and shut the door firmly behind him.

Hell was just what greeted him. There was paper flying everywhere and the air seemed smoky. Zack looked around. There were scorch marks on the ceiling and as the dark-haired man stood there, a fine powdered ash floated down before him to settle on his shoes. Zack swallowed and approached the desk.

The leather executive chair swiveled around rapidly, causing Zack to jump back in alarm. Sephiroth stopped the chair by slamming one heavily-booted foot on the desk and then looked up at Zack, wild-eyed.

"Zachary, you're finally here! Good!"

"Eh?" Zack could not believe his ears. Was the General actually glad to see him? That could not be a good thing, not when the silver-haired man was setting his office on fire. Maybe he had gotten tired of aiming at furniture and wanted a moving target. "Sir, what happened here, if you don't mind me asking?" Zack edged away even as he spoke. His General was in a dangerous mood.

Sephiroth surveyed the mess of paperwork scattered all around the floor. "Julia came in early," he said, with a pointed glance toward the wall that separated the grand office from the blonde in the hall. "She… _rearranged_ my work. She said she was _organizing_ it."

"Oh. _Oh!_ " Now Zack understood. "Mixed it all up, didn't she?" He relaxed and took his usual seat on Sephiroth's desk. "Isn't that the thing with aides and interns and secretaries? Wives too, I hear. Always cleaning up and then you can't find anything. And she's not from the army either, is she? What'd she do? Scramble the serial-numbered files? Well, what are you going to do, eh? What's done is done and she'll learn. Eventually."

The hard drumming of long fingers on wood made him stop. He turned around to find the General actually slouched in his seat, with one hand holding his head and the other beating a tattoo on the desk. Zack had a bad feeling about this. "That's not all, is it?"

Sephiroth took a deep breath, then another and another until his chest was heaving with the violent rapidity that Zack had learned meant that the man was struggling to keep his temper under control. "Seph," he urged. "Don't hyperventilate on me now. What happened?"

Sephiroth actually seemed to reign himself in at Zack's careful suggestion. "Did you see what she was wearing?" Zack scratched the back of his head as he nodded.

"Yeah. You might want to recommend that she start wearing a shirt under her clothes."

The General sat up and gripped the edge of the desk so hard it was as wonder it did not break in his grasp. "Did you see the whole thing, Zachary?"

The dark-haired man shook his head. "She was sitting down." Sephiroth leaned over and reached for the phone.

"Julia, bring in a pot of coffee."

"Yes, Sir, right a-." Sephiroth did not wait for her to finish.

"Observe, Zachary." He straightened in his seat and interlaced his fingers.

The door flew open and Julia entered, pale blonde hair swinging. "Here's your coffee, Sir! Shall I pour you a cup?"

"Just leave it on the desk," Sephiroth said curtly.

"Absolutely, Sir!" She hurried over. Zack could only stare in the few seconds it took her to cross the room.

Julia's long jacket was clasped so low he could see her belly button above the large belt she wore to hold her short, leather skirt up. The triangle of pale flesh that showed above it might have been enticing if not for the fact that there was no indication whatsoever that the girl actually had any womanly attributes alongside it.

The blonde set the coffee down on the desk, bending low from the waist. Zack did not envy Sephiroth's position. In periphery, he saw the man close his eyes. Julia straightened slowly and gave Zack yet another cold glance.

"You should NOT be sitting on the General's desk!" she declared. Zack bristled inside. Who did this woman think she was?

Sephiroth's head shot up. "He'll sit where he wants, Julia! Get out!"

Zack smiled at the way the girl paled. Sephiroth's prickly nature had its uses. Julia turned with her nose in the air and walked out. Zack may have been mistaken but it seemed that she tried to wiggle her rear a bit before she left. He could not be certain because her tight skirt revealed that she had no real rear to speak of. He waited for the door to click shut before he spoke.

"Well, that one's trying a _bit_ too hard. Is she in a contest with Scarlet or something?"

The General only sighed. The air grew too still for Zack's liking, so he rushed to stir it up again. "Come on, Sephiroth. It can't be all that surprising. Women throw themselves at SOLDIERs all the time. You should have seen what this floozy did to Whitstone from Division Seventeen the other day."

"She was trying to dress like me, Zachary." Sephiroth slumped forward and buried his face in his hands. "She's trying to act like me, and talk like me, and even walk like me, though I don't think it's possible in pumps." He took a deep breath and leaned back into his chair, seeming more or less composed. "I don't know what's worse, the fact that she's too eager to please or that she wants to be just like me."

"That could be a really pickle if you did decide to ride her," Zack mused. "Would it really be sex or just masturbation?"

Sephiroth grimaced. "You are a sick man, Zachary."

"I never claimed otherwise," Zack said, grinning. Sephiroth only shook his head.

"I have got to get rid of this woman."

Zack nodded. "How'd you get her anyway? A civilian handling military documents and all that?" Sephiroth's eyes narrowed.

"I believe Hojo had something to do with her assignment. Something to do with me needing _stress relief_ , so I'm stuck with her for the foreseeable future. I don't pretend to understand Hojo's reasoning, but he and Heidegger worked out an _arrangement_." He clenched his hand. "I should kill them both."

Zack laughed nervously. "Come on, Sephiroth. It can't be that bad." Sephiroth looked up sharply.

"Zachary, the woman's been here three hours and I'm already dying to fire her. Preferably from a cannon." He sighed. "But first I need to get my files sorted out." He stood and gave the other man a long stare. Zack took a while to get the hint.

"Oh, right, you want me to help." Zack bounced off the desk and got down on his knees to gather up the closest pages. Sephiroth shrugged off his long coat – minus pauldrons since he was not in battle – and joined the dark-haired man on the floor.

"Just gather the pages and pass them to me. I'll sort them properly."

"Okay," Zack shrugged. "Seems like an awful lot of sorting for one person though."

He need not have worried. Sephiroth began sorting the pages into neat piles after just a cursory glance at each one. While Zack crawled around the floor and scooped up the mass of paper, occasionally pausing to brush ceiling ash from his hands, Sephiroth paced around the room. The General would walk a few steps, then swoop in, gather a page and place it in one of the many neat heaps being built on the floor. When Zack handed him the last page, one he had fingered out from beneath the couch, the silver-haired man immersed himself in a flurry of sorting. For a long time, there was no sound in the office but the rustling of paper.

The work was done and the coffee pot was still steaming. Sephiroth opened a drawer and tossed a stapler at Zack. He pulled out another and together the men began stapling the relevant pages together. It was quieter work than the sorting had been.

"Sephiroth, how come you're stuck doing all this desk work? Aren't there lower ranked people who should be handling this?"

Sephiroth did not look up from his task. "I requested these files be sent to me." Zack frowned.

"You _want_ to handle MIAs?" That was a thankless, difficult job, full of red-tape and dead-ends, what with tracking down reports, getting testimony, accounting for dog-tags and notifying family of the findings. Only a masochist would want that job and here Sephiroth was, handling the entire war's worth of files on his own. Most severely depressed people just cut themselves. "Wouldn't you rather be out drilling the troops and making sure the army's ready for the next war?"

"Next war, Zachary?" Sephiroth never paused in his endless stapling. "We've annihilated Wutai. No one is in a position to present that level of resistance now." He looked up though his hands kept moving, never faltering.

"I've been on the battlefield constantly since I was fifteen, Zachary. I've been there so long it's a wonder I could wash the smell of blood away. Whenever I came ho- when I came back to Midgar, it wasn't for leave." His eyes shifted askance for just a second. "Is it so hard to believe that I would want a break from fieldwork?"

Zachary would never be considered a genius, but at that moment he had an insight that was beyond most people, blinded by image and propaganda. The General was the perfect soldier, a great swordsman, loyal, dedicated and fierce in his duty, but it was only that – duty.

Sephiroth did not love what he did. Why else would he shy away from his fields of glory? Why else would he insist on going through the agony of accounting for his decisions in human lives?

Zack drifted away as he considered the possibilities. Sephiroth looked up at him with a scowl. "Keep stapling, Zachary. Make yourself useful."

Zack jolted away from his thoughts and set them aside for later. "Hey, Sephiroth," he began. "These files aren't going anywhere and it's been a rough morning. How about we actually drink that coffee?"

Sephiroth put his stapler down and almost smiled. "Coffee would be…nice."

 **Time:** 2 hrs, 55 mins

 **Music:** I Wanna Be Like You – 'The Jungle Book'

 **Notes:** When I sat down to write, some nut in the street started yelling, "Hey Julia! Julia! Get over here, you skinny ho!" and this chapter went in a completely different direction from what I'd first intended. And yes, I went with 'Donovan' as a last name for Zack. It's been around for years and years. 'Zachary Donovan' does have a nice ring to it, and the name means 'Dark Warrior'. It just fits him, as do goofy shorts. I can't actually recall many fics with Zack wearing funny undies, but then /cough/ in most of the Zack fics I read, underwear is just a thing to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible ;)


	5. Coffee Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint The Town**

**Paint The Town**

 **Coffee Break**

Zack lounged back in the cushy leather couch and sipped his coffee. It was Shinra Executive Grade java, meaning that the bitterness would linger on his tongue till well after lunch, but a begging-caffeine junky could not be picky. Besides, Sephiroth seemed happy enough with his cup.

The General sat at his desk and carefully swiveled his chair so that his back was to the other man. A plain white mug sat steaming on the desk, a bit too close to the edge by Zack's estimation, but where the General put his coffee was nobody's business. Zack was glad enough that the man seemed less tense than he had all morning. It seemed all the man needed was an occasional distraction.

"Hey, Sephiroth?"

"What?"

"Aren't you gonna ask me how my back's doing?" Distract away, Oh Master of the Play. Zack grinned at the high back of his General's chair. The silver-haired man did not even turn, still occupied with rustling through a drawer.

"You got your painkillers, didn't you?" was the reply. "Why concern me with the ongoing drama that is your lower back?"

Zack rolled his eyes, though the other man could not see it. "Well, I'm doing fine now. I just thought that maybe you would like to know that." He swirled his half-full mug around, trying to spot the pale bottom of the cup beneath the black liquid. The company brew was a murky one. "No more early morning trips to the doctor for us."

"Good." Fine. Enough. You have my full permission to shut up now, Zachary. The dark-haired man filled in all the implicit commands in his friend's one-word reply. Of course, 'implicit' was the key-word.

"My girlfriend's the one who really fixed me up. Man, she's got a good touch with this kind o-,"

"Zachary, please!" Sephiroth leaned aside and glared back at the man. "The last thing I need to hear about is your girlfriend's _healing_ ability!" Zack was astounded.

"What? _What?_ No, Titan's ass-crack, no, it's not like that!" He slammed his mug down on the chipped-and-slashed coffee table. "Get your mind out of the gutter! It's nothing like that!"

"What do you expect me to think, with that kind of talk coming from you."

Zack was seeing red now. "What do you mean coming from me?"

"Word gets around, Zachary." The General poised one hand over his coffee mug but did not pick it up. He seemed to be letting his fingers get a steam-cleaning. Zack grated his teeth as he watched.

"What are you saying? That I'm some kind of man-whore?"

The General chuckled. "You said it yourself, Zachary. I don't repeat rumors but I do keep my ear to the wind. Judging from your words, you're no stranger to the stories." Zack blew out a long breath and slammed his booted feet down on Sephiroth's battered little coffee table. He meant it to annoy, since there was no sense arguing with the truth, but a couple of heel-dents were small potatoes next to the slash marks on this thing.

"It's different this time," he mumbled grumpily, wishing that Sephiroth would turn around and talk to him face to face. "She's not like the rest."

"You're actually serious about this one, aren't you?" The General actually seemed a bit surprised. And he was steaming his hand over the coffee again.

"Uh huh," Zack mumbled in an almost off-hand way. He narrowed his eyes at the General's hand. The silver-haired man was a strange one and he had some odd quirks and habits, but Zack could not figure out what this finger-steaming business was about. He leaned forward quietly and watched the man remove his hand briefly, only to hold it just above the rim of the mug again.

After four or five rounds, he gave up and just sat back to finish his own cup. This would have to go down as another mystery about the reclusive General, just like what kind of underwear he wore or where he came from or what under the gods' blue sky could drive him to experiment with poison now and then. Zack froze.

He stared again at the man, at the way Sephiroth kept fiddling reaching into his desk and back up to the cup. Everything slowed down for Zack. Even his own breathing seemed to loud.

He saw it. There was a brief flash of white between the General's long fingers and the very soft crinkle of paper as a fine powder poured smoothly into the mug. Zack sat immobilized, unable to believe that the man would attempt this again right in front of him. How long had this been going on?

Sephiroth stirred the coffee once with a pen and then gracefully lifted the mug off the desk. Zack sprung into action.

"General! NO!" He leapt into the air and slammed into the back of Sephiroth's chair. The white mug flew forward, hit the wall and shattered. The top-heavy chair toppled forward too under Zack's weight. Zack rolled with it and ended up sprawled in a heap on top of his General. All he could do was lie still and catch his breath. He kicked a bit to shove the chair off himself, then looked down at the other man.

Sephiroth lay face down in the coffee soaked carpet, perfectly still but for the fingers that twitched dangerously close to the shards of his coffee mug. "Zachary." The voice was low and eerily dignified. Zack gulped.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Get off me."

"Yes, Sir."

He rolled off and away and tried to make himself as small as he could in the shadow of the desk. Sephiroth rolled over and gave him a frighteningly blank look. "Must you get in the way of the simplest things, Zachary?"

That galvanized Zack. "What do mean 'get in the way'? Am I supposed to just stand by while you put that poison in your system? Just because it won't kill you right away doesn't mean you'll get away with it forever! It'll catch up with you and one day you'll just fall right over. You have got to stop doing this to yourself!" He kept ranting on and on.

Sephiroth's eyes glazed over. He tuned Zack out, sat up and looked around. His coffee mug was broken and his coffee was all gone. He would have to get another mug and what was left in the pot would be cold by then. He would have to ask that damned secretary to bring more. She would probably pour him a cup herself if he let her.

But it would be black. No milk, no cream and definitely no sugar. Big, tough, sword-wielding killers took their coffee bitter and murky. Everyone knew that. Sephiroth studied the damp brown stain on his carpet mournfully. Nobody ever asked how he took his coffee. Nobody even considered that maybe, _maybe_ he would like a little cream and sugar. Or a lot.

The one time he had reached for the sugar in his Academy days, the older students had laughed their heads off and called him 'fairy'. That had started the strangest use of covert tactics in the history of the Shinra Army. Sephiroth drank his coffee black only when he had to. In his own room, or his office, he wanted it his way. And this time, that damned pest of a man had gotten in the way.

Zachary was crawling across the room on hands and knees now, gathered the larger shards out of the damp, warm carpet. "Look, I don't pretend to know what drives you to this, but I'm worried about you, man. It wouldn't be the same if you fell over again and didn't get up."

"I liked that mug," Sephiroth said sadly.

"Hm?" Zack looked down at the shards he had tossed into the waste basket he was now dragging along with him. "It's a plain white mug, Sephiroth."

"It wasn't plain white." Sephiroth protested weakly, distressed by the recent loss.

"The Shinra logo doesn't count. I'll get you another one." Zack snapped and reached for the near-perfect circle that had once been the mug's bottom. He drew his hand back when it encountered some unexpected sludge. "What the..." He picked the piece up and examined the residue.

Tiny white cubes drifted slowly in the bare minimum of brown liquid necessary for fluidity. It looked familiar. Zack glanced at Sephiroth, but the man was quiet and morose. Zack stared at the goo on his fingers and then back at Sephiroth. Hesitantly, he stuck out the tip of his tongue and tasted the sticky sludge.

"It's sweet!" He looked at his hand in surprise. Sephiroth said nothing. Zack examined the contents of the waste basket. Right beneath the broken mug was a small heap of torn and empty sugar packets. "It's sugar? How much did you use?" Sephiroth sighed.

"Seven."

"Seven?"

"Seven sugars and four artificial sweeteners." Sephiroth drew his knees up to his chin. "My whole stash."

"Twelve doses of the sweet stuff? Man, Seph, that's a lot." The two men just stared at each other for a while. Zack went back to picking up shards. Sephiroth leaned back against the wall and wrapped his arms around his knees.

"I don't have any more sugar," Sephiroth murmured to himself. "I'll have to sneak more from the executive lounge. Or the kitchen. Or the Cafeteria."

"Sweet Shiva, Sephiroth, why don't you just buy your own?"

The General looked down sadly. "I don't do my own groceries. Shinra doesn't think it would be very good for the company image." Zack was speechless for a while.

"Damn." He threw the shards in the waste basket and set the chair upright. "Look, Sephiroth, I'm sorry, man. I had no idea." Sephiroth rose slowly and took his seat. Zack fidgeted and stepped backwards. "I'll be back in a minute, 'kay?" Sephiroth nodded half-heartedly. Zack left.

Sephiroth surveyed his wreck of an office. The carpet desperately needed cleaning. It was ash-ridden and now coffee-stained. His coffee table had taken some abuse this morning and there was a corner missing from his desk. The ceiling could stand some small repair, but the smoky blast marks did not truly bother him much. So long as the ceiling would not cave in. He would hate to have Palmer land on him, even if it would give him a semi-justifiable excuse to skewer the fat bastard.

Sephiroth sighed and reached for the phone, hoping that Julia was not so inept that calling maintenance would be beyond her. Zack burst in before he could press the button.

"Yeah, sweetheart," Zack yelled back through the door. "I do what I want in this office too!" He slammed the door shut and grinned at Sephiroth. He held up a white cardboard box.

"Look what I brung ya!" He crossed the floor quickly and put the box right under the General's nose. "Filched fresh from the lounge, just for you."

Sephiroth prodded the box with one hand. "What is it?"

"Open it up and see, silly boy!"

Sephiroth glared at the man but did as he was told anyway. Inside was a variety of fresh donuts. The General's eyes widened as he stared. "You stole the whole box? Won't anyone miss it?"

Zack shrugged. "Well, sure, but they won't know what happened to it. Go on, eat up. Get your medicine for the day." Sephiroth stared, breathless and overwhelmed.

"I can't eat all these by myself."

Zack grinned. "Good, I was hoping you would say that." He swooped in and yanked out a chocolate-frosted one. "No sense letting excess go to waste."

Sephiroth deliberated a while before picking up one that was laded with powdered sugar. He held the thing delicately between two fingers.

"Jelly donut, eh?" Zack said around a mouthful of donut. "You're hardcore, man." Sephiroth gave him something like a very tiny smile and reached for his files. He flipped one folder open and began to read, cheerfully balancing the pages on his knee while powdered sugar floated down to his black pants.

"Thank you, Zachary," he said quietly. He did not look up at Zack, not sure of how to face the situation.

Zack was grinning insanely now. Finally, the General was being civilized. "You're welcome, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth sighed happily and took a big bite. Red jelly flew out the other end and hit front page of the report with a wet splat. Both men froze with donuts in their mouths. Sephiroth drew back and chewed quickly, with a nervous slant to his brow. He swallowed and held the page up. Zack came around to survey the damage.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen," he began to babble as they watched the blob of jelly begin a slow crawl down. "I should have warned you about that, or gotten a saucer or at least a napkin."

Then Sephiroth lurched forward and slurped the jelly right off the page.

Zack's donut fell to the floor but the man did not notice. Sephiroth calmly set the report back in the folder and studied the faded brown stain that was left behind.

"If anyone asks, I'll tell them I had to kill a bug."

 **Time:** 2 hrs 9 mins

No music – headache

 **Notes:** "Mommy, mommy, look, it's General Sephiroth and he's buying toilet paper!" Zack's math was intentional =P This one's dedicated to Nicolle, who wanted to see Seph suffer, though I don't think he suffered _too_ badly in this one.


	6. Housewarming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Housewarming**

**Housewarming**

The clock struck five and Sephiroth walked out the doors of his office with Zack following close behind him. The blonde secretary snapped sharply to an unnecessary attention as the General passed by.

"Have a good afternoon, Sir," Julia said smartly. Sephiroth did not reply. Zack made a halfhearted wave and fell in step close behind the other man. Julia stepped out from behind the desk. "Where do you think you're going?"

Zack resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm going home with my General Sephiroth." The General grimaced at that, glad that his back was to the others. He had never okayed that. What was Zack thinking.

"What do you mean you're going home with him?" Julia scowled.

Zack pretended that he did not see it. "We have work to take care of and we can't do it here as long as the office is in that condition."

Sephiroth held the surprise from his face. That was actually a fairly good excuse, if one overlooked the fact that he had not brought any of the paperwork out with him. Fortunately it seemed that his dedicated blonde sycophant – begging your pardon, _secretary_ was too busy grilling Zack to notice.

"And _you're_ going to help him get his work done?"

"It's what they pay me for."

Julia tapped one foot. "It's Friday."

Zack crossed his arms, unwilling to back down to the skinny girl. "And?"

"The General works hard. He deserves his time off."

Sephiroth looked back at that. "A SOLDIER works till the job is done. The weekend is of no consequence to me." He may have been mistaken, but the expression of concern that crossed Julia's face might have been a tad theatrical.

"You can't function well without rest. And it's Friday. There are so many things you can do tonight and still have time left to finish your work."

Sephiroth looked down his nose at the woman ever so slightly. "How would you have me make use of my time?" His words were cold poison and the implication was clear. Julia fidgeted, knowing she had overstepped her bounds. Sephiroth saw Zack smother a grin out of the corner of his eyes.

Julia took a deep breath. "You could go out."

"Out," Sephiroth repeated.

"Yes," Julia began to babble. "I mean, it's the normal thing to do on a Friday night." She looked of hopefully. "Lots of people do it and I'm sure you could find somebody t-,"

"I am not 'lots of people'," Sephiroth said darkly, "and I have no need to find anyone."

"Heh," Zack grinned. "As if you need to actually go _looking_ for a date. You're practically fighting them off! I still think you should have hooked up with that redhead who was coming on to you the other day though. She had _assets_." Zack finished with a wink. Sephiroth frowned at the man, but then he caught on to the game. Julia was blushing and had her arms crossed over her less-than-impressive chest.

"We've wasted enough time here." The General spun on his heel and walked away with Zack following behind him. He heard Julia weakly wish them a good weekend. He did not speak until they had reached the privacy of the elevator.

"What floor are you on?" He kept his hand poised over the keypad.

Zack blinked. "What's it matter? I'm coming to your place."

"What?"

"I said I'm coming to your place, didn't I?"

Sephiroth exhaled and rubbed his brow, then looked straight up at the other man. "I thought you were only saying that to annoy Julia."

"If she hadn't been making such a pest of herself I wouldn't have said anything, but I was coming with you all along." Zack thought he saw a vein throb in the General's neck.

"What makes you think I'm letting you in?" Sephiroth took a step closer. His fingers flexed menacingly at his side.

Zack fought hard not to stumble. "You owe me for the donuts."

Sephiroth paused. "I knew there had to be a catch," he said in disgust, then sighed. "I suppose I could let you see the new place."

"They gave you a new apartment?"

Sephiroth turned to face the door. "The fire gutted the old one very badly. Shinra decided it was easier to give me a new apartment."

Zack grinned. "New place! Great! You should have told me. I would have gotten you a housewarming gift."

"Housewarming?" Sephiroth looked back.

Zack rocked back on his heels. "Yeah, housewarming." Sephiroth still looked confused to Zack kept talking. "You know, you move into a new place, your friends bring you little things to make the place feel more at home. Clocks and mirrors and pictures and coffee cake."

"Cake?"

"Yeah," Zack scratched his head. "Well, that's what I _hear_ you're supposed to bring. When it's a guy, I usually just bring beer, but you don't drink, do you?" Sephiroth shook his head. Alcohol never had been his friend though he would not have been adverse to the cake.

The elevator dinged and the door slid open, releasing the men into a plush hallway. Sephiroth led the way, hoping that Zack would be happy with a guided tour and leave soon. The man had an active social life and it was Friday.

Zack traipsed along happily behind the black clad man. He did not have cause to visit this part of the building too often. A place like this was too good for the likes of him. The carpet was deep and the color was vibrant. There were flowers, all silk, around marble statuettes in alcoves between the doors. The whole thing spoke of opulence. Zack had an urge to make sure his shirt was tucked in properly.

"They really moved you a step up," he ventured.

"I suppose."

"Burn up one apartment and get an even better one," Zack continued. "That's some smart thinking. Hey, is this why you trashed your office?" The General ignored that question.

Sephiroth's door was at the end of the hall. He pulled off his glove to press a palm to the scanner. There was a loud click as the lock released. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Zack bounced in eagerly after him.

The room was dim inside. "Light," Sephiroth said. The room lit up.

"Whoo, fancy stuff!" Zack looked around appreciatively then stopped short. The living room was easily twice the size of his own apartment, but that was where the grandeur ended. There were huge cardboard boxes all around. The walls were the plainest white possible, so bright it was almost blinding. There were no curtains, just plain vertical blinds. The only piece of actual furniture in the room was a black leather chair.

"Holy...When did you move in, exactly?"

"Last week."

"Oh," Zack nodded. "Good thing you got me here then." He stretched and flexed. "Let's get to the unpacking!"

Sephiroth scowled at him. "I'm doing fine on my own." He stalked in towards the chair. "I unpack a bit each day."

Zack weaved his way in and out of the boxes. "Don't be like that, Sephiroth. With two of us at it we can at least make a clear track to walk." Sephiroth appeared to be considering it.

He nodded briefly at his Second and went to put the Masamune away in the bedroom. He always kept it near the bed, within easy reach, even though a bracket had been put up to display it in the living room. He emerged from the bedroom to find Zack ripping open boxes.

"Books," Zack tackled another one. "Books." He whirled around and tried a very large one. "And even more books." He looked up at the General as if expecting an explanation.

"I like books."

Zack looked around at the cardboard box towers around the room. "I kinda figured. Which boxes have the furniture?"

Sephiroth pointed to a rather small box near the chair. "That one."

Zack blinked. "That's IT?"

Sephiroth nodded. "Everything else burned up in the blast."

Zack knelt down on the floor to open the box. It proved to be a frail-looking glass-topped coffee table. "How'd this survive? Never mind." He looked up at Sephiroth to find the man staring at him with near disinterest. "When are you planning to get new furniture?"

"At some point." The man's voice was equally bland. Zack clucked at him like someone's disapproving mother.

"That's no good, Sephiroth. You at least need shelves for all those books. And a second chair for when I come over." That got the man's attention.

"What?"

Zack grinned. "You didn't think I'd leave you to rattle around in this big place all by your lonesome, didja?"

Sephiroth sighed. "No, but I had hoped." Zack laughed.

"You're a funny guy, Seph, even if you hide it well." He got up from the floor and walked around a bit to stretch his legs. "Where are you planning to get your stuff?"

Sephiroth thought it over for a while. "I usually have my secretary order anything I need." He grimaced. There was no way in hell that he was going to let that presumptuous airhead decorate his apartment. It was not so much a matter of what the place would look like when she was done as it was of avoiding her pathetic attempts of flirtation. It would not do to encourage her.

Zack grasped the idea immediately. "Can't do that now, can you?" Sephiroth nodded. Every now and then Zachary would demonstrate some of the qualities that had gotten him his post. The General was sure it was all accidental though.

Zack whirled around. "General," he declared, "we are going shopping!"

"I beg your pardon." Sephiroth was genuinely shocked. Zack gave him a toothy grin.

"You can afford it, right?"

"I have received funds for the purpose of refurnishing," Sephiroth muttered, still shocked.

"Good!" Zack almost hopped for joy. "Go get a sensible coat and let's move. I know a few places we can look for stuff to spruce this place up"

Sephiroth did not budge. He stared at the spiky headed man as if he could will the man to disappear. When Zachary showed no sign of dematerializing, Sephiroth began to grasp at other options. A well-aimed lightning spell might have taken care of the situation, but Sephiroth did not think it wise to destroy yet another room in the Shinra building. First the old apartment, now his office. A little wanton destruction usually made him feel better, but this was neither the time nor the place.

He glanced around the living room. The stark whiteness was disturbing, a little too reminiscent of his childhood environment. It would look much better lined with shelves and maybe even a painting or two. He saw Zack's hopeful, eager look and felt something long-buried stir inside.

It was Friday, after all, an evening usually reserved for 'getting out on the town'. He rarely ever had company, had been robbed of the chance in his youth. He thought he had stopped longing for it but the chance was here now, a bit late, but finally here.

"Fine." Sephiroth took a step forward. "But only because you brought me donuts."

 **Time:** 4 hrs, 22 mins

 **Music:** He's a Tramp (Lady and the Tramp)

 **Notes:** You can probably expect a lot of Disney tracks to show up for the music. I have the CD box set and it's addictive:D


	7. Feathering the Nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint The Town**

**Paint The Town**

 **Feathering the Nest**

Sephiroth stuck his hands in his pockets and ducked his head down, paying only minimum attention to the babbling man beside him. Zack's voice kept echoing around as they walked down the street. He gesticulated wildly as he spoke. Sephiroth could almost pretend that the man was conducting a symphony in his own voice.

"First thing you should get is a good living room set. You know, a nice overstuffed couch, a couple good armchairs and hey, a loveseat for when the ladies come over." Zack waggled his eyebrows and elbowed his commanding officer.

"Stop poking me, Zachary," Sephiroth grumbled.

"What's next? Maybe a dining room set. But I guess you don't do a whole lot of entertaining so maybe we can skip that. I know! Lighting! Get the right lamps, with the dimmer switch, turn them down low. I'm telling you, it's the perfect atmosphere for hot loving. Oh, you should definitely get shelves for all those books though. How'd they survive the fire, anyway?"

It took a while for Sephiroth to realize that he was expected to answer. "I never had shelves for them in the first place. I kept most of them in storage."

"Oh, okay then. Lucky for them." Zack was so busy talking he paid no attention to where they were. He just followed Sephiroth's quiet lead into a very upscale part of town. "You should think about getting some better window treatment or something. Those white blinds are so boring. Some artwork for the walls would be good too. Add some color to the rooms. Oh, hey…" He stopped and looked up at the building Sephiroth was about to enter. "You're shopping here?"

Sephiroth turned around, missing the flapping of his long coat. The one he wore now was double-breasted and came only to mid-thigh. Even though it covered his chest, he felt more naked in it. His military uniform was hardly suitable for walking through town off-duty. He breathed out and watched the slight puff that formed out of his breath. "This is where my furniture was always ordered from before."

Zack scratched his head. "They really get nothing but the best for their General, eh?" He followed Sephiroth through the double doors and froze.

The store was remarkable posh. Everywhere Zack turned there was marble, leather, finely polished wood and rich fabric, stretched out as far as the eye could see. Faint classical music drifted down from the ceiling. The furniture was well-arranged, set out beside panels of complementary wall paper and interspersed with overpriced knickknacks, so one could buy an entire living room at will, junk and all, if one desired. Zack doubted he would be able to afford an ashtray.

"May I assist you, sir?" The slightly-greying attendant, garbed in black and white and looking almost like a butler, had approached so silently that Zack had to wonder if the man had trained in Wutai as a ninja. He had an image of an army of butlers sliding out of the trees to ask, "You rang, sir?" The man looked from Sephiroth to Zack with a slight question in his eyes.

"I'm with him!" Zack blurted out, pointing to the silver-haired man. The attendant nodded curtly.

Sephiroth paid no attention to the little exchange. "I need a couch," he barked, blunt as ever. Zack might have smacked him if the surroundings and the man himself were not so intimidating. Even the butler-attendant had twitched a bit.

"Ah, are you looking for anything in particular?" The man swallowed. Zack suddenly felt a small kinship with the man. In his own mind he named the man 'Jeeves'.

"Black leather," Sephiroth barked again. 'Jeeves' nodded.

"Sir knows what he likes. Follow me, please." He recovered quickly enough and led them through the living room suites. "We have a very wide selection of leather upholstery, ranging from Kalm Town classics to the finest in Wutanese varieties." After a few moments of marching they found themselves in a section where the little 'living rooms' had mostly leather upholstery. "Feel free to look around. I will check in periodically and feel free to call once you've made your decision." Sephiroth nodded and the man was off.

Zack watched 'Jeeves' go. "They sure train 'em strict round here."

Sephiroth said nothing. He engaged himself in walking through the suites and inspecting the furniture. Once or twice he paused when something caught his eye. He was not sure exactly what to do, or how to choose. He never really had much choice in this matter before. His rooms were always furnished when he got them, whether it had been the lab cell, his bunk in the barrack yard or the smaller apartment he had been granted after the war. It had been expected that he would have his secretary or someone else handle the refurnishing with the granted budget for his new place, but Zack had been quicker. It was probably for the best. The General shuddered at the thought of having Julia decorate for him.

He stared down at one very sleek sofa. It was all straight lines and hard angles. Sephiroth was not sure if he liked it. He was not sure if he did not like it. He really had no idea.

"Well?" Zack sidled up to him. "Aren't you going to try it out?"

"Try it out?" Sephiroth was confused.

"Yeah, how else are you going to know if it's comfy or not?"

Sephiroth considered it. He really had no idea how to go choosing out furniture. The most he had ever really shopped around for was armor. Craftsmanship and materials, effectiveness and strength and durability mattered there. Maybe it applied to furniture as well. He never would by an armlet without at least hefting it a few times. He sat down gingerly.

"So how is it?" Zack asked.

"It is…adequate." That was enough for Sephiroth, but Zachary was having none of that.

"Adequate? That's no good for a living room couch! You want something you can really slouch and sink in."

"I do?"

"Yes!" Zack grinned at him. "You do! Or more importantly, I do, because I'm the one who's going to be sitting on your couch and if you pick a wretched plank of board that aggravates my poor back, you'll never hear the end of it from me."

Sephiroth considered strangling the man to death right then and there.

Zack flopped down next to the General and wriggled around in the seat. "Nope. Too straight. You can't lean back much in this one. It's slidy too." He winked at Seph. "Not too good for the old bump n' grind, but then leather is like that. Why'd you want leather so bad though? Everything you own gotta be black leather?" He motioned towards Sephiroth's coat. The General did not have a ready answer for that.

"My chair is black leather." He really had little choice in the matter. Right after the war, when he returned home as a hero, Shinra had put image consultants to work on him. They offered him choices. He said 'yes' or 'no' and it made little difference. All the selections were tailored towards a particular image. He was the dark, brooding hero. He was not too sure about the last part himself but he was willing to accept the rest if it got other people to leave him alone.

"Right, right." Zack seemed to have come to a conclusion. "Your stuff should match. I don't think I ever met anyone who coordinated their wardrobe to their kitchen ware but hey, if that's how you want it."

Sephiroth frowned. Was that how he wanted it? He looked up but Zack had already flown over to another suite. Sephiroth followed.

This set had a more historic touch, with carved woodwork and brass embellishments. Sephiroth sat down and set his elbow on the wooden arm rest. The leather beneath him was hard and unyielding. He probably would not have noticed if Zack had not brought comfort to his attention. He leaned back and knocked his head against the wood on the back.

"I don't like this one," he said firmly. Zack grinned at him.

"Now we're making some progress. Which one next?"

Having tried the stiff ones, Sephiroth next sought out the softer kind. He found a few that were too soft, offering no back support and one or two he simply did not like the look of, when he thought about it. Finally he sank into a clean-lined little sofa and knew it was right. It seemed to mold itself to him. "This is it," he announced quietly. Zack flopped down next to him.

"Oh, yeah. This is it." He exhaled appreciatively. "Sinking into this baby at the end of the day would be…I dunno, post-coital or something." He reached for the little card on the coffee table to check the listed price. "Whooping fajungas! You could feed all the orphans in Wutai for a month for the cost of the couch alone!" He showed Sephiroth the card. The man did not bat one silver eyelash. The balance in the budget more than covered it.

"I'll take the set."

Zack slid out of the seat and hit the floor. "Dude….we have got to learn you a thing or two about the value of money. What's left for those shelves you needed? I know a place where you can filch some bricks and a few planks of wood."

"The budget is adequate."

'Jeeves' swung by in a matter of moments, as if he had been waiting in the wings, and Sephiroth went about taking care of payment and delivery. Zack just watched them nattering on from his spot on the floor while he considered the absolute injustice of the Shinra pay scale.

* * *

 **Time** : 5 hrs 16 minutes

 **Music** : In the Middle of the Night – Billy Joel

 **Notes** : I've let this fic languish for too long and I'm out of practice. I never forgot about it though.


	8. Window Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint the Town**

**Paint the Town**

 **Window Shopping**

Sephiroth would never be sure how he ended up looking at draperies with Zachary. He supposed it made sense, after getting his actual furniture and the much-needed book shelves, that he set about 'decorating', so to speak. He simply did not understand what the fuss was about curtains. The blinds that came with the apartment kept the light out just fine. But Zachary was a stubborn one and he insisted. And kept on insisting. Sephiroth knew he had better give in or he would never have peace.

So here he was, roaming through a fine selection of window treatments, with Zachary babbling alongside him, as usual. Sephiroth was beginning to forget what silence sounded like. At least he was learning things about curtains on the way.

"How wide is your window, Sir? You'll need to make sure you get the right length of curtain rod. Do you want a narrow or wide? And how about those fancy end finial thingies? Don't go with sheer drapes. That's girly. I don't know what kind of curtain really goes with black leather upholstery though. My mother's mostly a paisley or floral print type of woman."

Sephiroth rubbed his forehead and thought about it. "The window's about fifteen feet wide." He was not sure about the rest.

Zack nibbled a lip. "Okay, then spring tension rods are definitely out. You didn't have any brackets that I noticed, so we're going to have to drill. I can come over in the morning with power tools and help you." Sephiroth wanted to refuse the offer. Heaven forbid he give up the peace of his Saturday morning to a dark-haired menace with an electric drill. If he had realized curtains were this much work he would have grabbed Zachary by the collar and cut the little shopping trip short.

Then he spotted it. A window straight out of the Good Homemaking magazine he had been reading in the doctor's office. Ever curious, he wandered away from Zachary to inspect the thing further.

It was a simple looking thing with a large checked pattern in blue and yellow. There was an extra frill on top that managed to hide the curtain rod. In the magazine, this curtain had perfectly framed the pie cooling right next to a large, chipped blue jug full of daffodils on the window sill. Sephiroth sighed silently. Even if his window had been conducive to pie-cooling, he had no idea how to make one. And he didn't have a big chipped jug either.

He shook his head. Why would he want pie and cracked crockery? He could order pie whenever he wanted. Using the oven would just warm the apartment up. Halfway through his musing, Zachary realized he had been talking to empty air and came over.

"Uh, I don't think checkered goes with your living room."

Sephiroth turned. "Zachary, exactly how and when did you become such a master of design?"

Zack grinned and shrugged. "Hey, the ladies love a man who has his wardrobe together. _Without_ Mama's help." Sephiroth only stared. Zack was not discouraged. "Okay, then. Come on. We'll find the perfect drapes for your soon-to-be den of sex around here somewhere."

"Den of-" Sephiroth sputtered. "Is that what you had in mind for my apartment the entire time?"

Zack knew the warning signs. He saw his General's fingers flexing. He kept the grin plastered on his face and started edging backwards. "No…I thought that was what you wanted. You know, all the black leather and all. It's a pretty big turn-on for some people. I thought maybe…you had a fetish."

Sephiroth felt a flush creeping up his face. He spun on his heel and stormed away before Zachary could see it. Fetish indeed. He did not even know if he really should have gone with the leather set. It was just the first thing he had blurted out, without even thinking about it. Now he had a comfortable couch on the way and no idea what else to get with it. Why did he even need anything else? All he needed was a place to sit.

He heard Zachary following behind him and performed an evasive maneuver. He turned a corner and slid behind a thick satin curtain panel until the man had passed by. Curtains were good for some things, apparently.

He slowed his wandering now that he was not being closely followed. The satin drapes seemed nice enough, but they were a bit shiny for his tastes. They did not have that light, airy feel he suddenly found himself longing for. Satin curtains would not look right around a freshly-baked, homemade pie.

He wandered past the blinds section, no longer remotely satisfied with that particular window treatment. He roamed past lace, silk and some rather frightening concoctions in pink poofiness. He even found leather panels in various colors. He paused and considered it for a while. Then he thought of his uniform and his boots and his shoes and his couch and the very coat he was wearing. He'd had enough of black leather for the time being. He walked on blindly, suddenly despairing of finding anything at all. How could he find the right drapes when he had no idea what he wanted.

Something soft and sheer drifted before him. He turned as he pushed it aside and found himself staring at a beautiful window. It was something straight out of a magazine, a seamless blending of dark, heavy fabric with light and sheer, in various layers and lengths. It would probably go well with his furniture. And the breezy sections would go well with pie.

"Found ya!" Zack bounced up behind him. "You really know how to throw a guy off your scent." Sephiroth did not turn, but he could hear Zack shuffling a bit behind him. "Look, I didn't mean to jump to conclusions or anything. You want what you want and your reasons are your own. I know that. How about we get back to finding what you want."

"This is what I want," Sephiroth said quietly.

Zack turned to look at the window in question. "Are you sure? I mean it's nice and all, but sheers, you know, kind of makes it look like you have a woman's touch in your life already."

"It's what I want, Zachary."

Zack shrugged. "Okay. You're the boss." He stepped in to examine the setup. "This is going to be some installation. We'll need at least two kinds of rods. I hope they have that light, shallow kind in the right length. Well, they've got it here so I suppose it's got to be around somewhere. Remind me to bring my level over in the morning. You wouldn't want to end up with all your fancy cloth hanging on a slant. Are you sure you understand which panel wraps on which rod, though? I never could figure out these things out."

Sephiroth was about to tell the man that he could handle his curtains when he became aware of someone staring at them. He turned slowly to glare at the intruder.

It was Reeve, pushing a shopping cart full of blinds, brackets and rods. He swallowed. "Hello, uh, General." He glanced wildly back and forth from Zachary to Sephiroth. "You two, uh, shopping for curtains?" Zack grew wide-eyed and began to splutter.

Sephiroth stepped forward. "Yes, we are." His expression dared anyone to challenge him. Reeve decided he was not up to the task. The General usually carried a six foot sword around. What he did with his men after hours was his business.

"Ah, good then. Very good. I'll, uh, I guess I'll see you around then." The man's voice broke a little and he tried to hurry away.

"Reeve!" Sephiroth called out. The Shinra Head of Urban Development froze and slowly turned around. If the General wanted silence, he could have it.

"Reeve, I need your advice on some business matters. I would like to make an appointment to discuss things with you, if you don't mind."

Reeve nodded. "Yes, absolutely. Have your people call my people and we'll, uh, arrange something." He nodded again and hurried off, bursting at the seams with what he had just seen.

Zack found his tongue. "What the hell did you have to go tell him that for?"

Sephiroth could not understand the man's ire. "Tell him what? Reeve understands matters of finance. I have more money than I know what to do with so I thought it would be time to start investing for retirement."

"Not that! The first thing!"

Sephiroth frowned. "We _are_ shopping for curtains, are we not?"

Zack cringed. "Oh, Gods, yes, but don't you have any idea what that _means_? I only dragged you here because you need some style in your life but…shit." He saw from Sephiroth's blank expression that the General clearly did not. "Did you grow up totally isolated from the real world or something?" Sephiroth did not answer. Zachary buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Dammit. Well, at least this wouldn't really affect my night life, since I'm going steady now. Oh man, I hope this doesn't get back to the barracks."

Sephiroth had no idea what Zachary was going on about. He had always considered the Shinra grapevine to be a source of imaginative, even farfetched entertainment, but hardly a serious problem. He rubbed his stomach. He felt vaguely hungry. Maybe there was a nice café nearby where he could get some pie. He was in the mood for blueberry.

* * *

 **Time** : 1hr 53 mins

 **Music:** Like Glue – Sean Paul

 **Notes** : Y'all really like watching me have fun at the Mako Boys' expense, eh? Much thanks for remembering the fic. I have plans for Seph's longing for homey things. ;)


	9. The Fine Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint the Town**

**Paint the Town**

 **The Fine Touch**

Zachary was mollified by being treated to pie. He was just as bad as Sephiroth when it came to eating. Together they went through almost the entire menu's selection, harrying the waitress and ordering slice after slice until the formerly-bottomless pits of their soldier stomachs could not handle anymore. They stepped out into the chilly air, full, satisfied and warmed by the obscene amounts of pie lying in their bellies.

"Oh, that's good," Zack groaned. "That's the kind of thing you dream about when you're stuck in a foxhole with sparks flying over your head and nothing to chow down on but army rations." Sephiroth nodded. This, he understood. Zack grinned and swung an arm across his General's shoulders. "Now how about those final finishing touches we were discussing?"

Mellowed by the massive servings of glazed crust and whipped cream, Sephiroth only nodded. He did not see a real need for further decorating, but choosing items all by himself was becoming more interesting. Their first stop was a lighting store.

Choosing got easier with practice. He found lamps that he liked well enough. They had the dimmer switch Zachary recommended, though Sephiroth could hardly see himself having a use for the thing. He made arrangements at a studio to have his medals framed for display. He even picked up a large mirror to have mounted on the wall, just because he felt like it. Zachary snickered at the choice, but refused to explain.

In the course of their walking, they found themselves at an antique store. Sephiroth stepped inside on an impulse, no longer questioning his own moves.

Zack traipsed in merrily behind him. "Antiques? Now you're just turning into somebody's little, old grandma, Sephiroth. What are you looking for in here?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I was just going to look around. Maybe something will catch my eye." Nothing did immediately though.

The store was a study in clutter. Old musical instruments shared space with dusty, leather-bound books and bone china teacups. The furniture was overly elaborate and every spare surface was covered with vases and figurines. The walls were covered in old pictures, some of them reproductions of famous works, others just old theater posters. Sephiroth flitted through the mess with ease, pausing now and then to examine some little bit of bric-a-brac.

"Picky, picky, Sephiroth. You sure moved up from taking the first thing you set your eyes on really quick," Zack complained, studying an old-fashioned wash jug. "Maybe you should just get a velvet poster." Sephiroth's quiet stillness made him look up.

The General was staring at a collection of small, framed photographic prints leaning against the far wall. He took a breath and marched towards it, leaving Zack scrambling to catch up. Sephiroth stopped a few feet away and stared.

The scenery was familiar. Sephiroth had seen Cosmo Canyon often enough but for some reason, these pictures rang something deeper in him. He felt as if he had seen this very same spot, with the same shadows, a long time ago.

"Evan Crane, eh?" Zack peered at the name below. "I remember his stuff. Old nature photographer way back in the day. You know he actually passed through Gongaga when I was a kid. He wanted to shoot the birds. With a camera, I mean."

"Nature photographer?" For some reason that seemed familiar. Sephiroth felt a glimmer of tactile memory slip past him, thick, glossy pages in his small hands.

"Yeah, he did work for a lot of science and nature books. My dad had one of them. All about plants and boring as heck, but the pictures were nice." Zack kept talking but Sephiroth did not hear him. He only saw the pictures before him and the way the short fly-away strands of his bangs waved back and forth with his breath.

"Personally I never saw what was all that interesting about shrubbery, but I guess it's different for people who've spent all their lives in the city without a bit of green to look at and have I ever told you how freaky you get when you find what you want?" Zack finally stopped speaking, even if it was only to wait for an answer. Sephiroth took a while to catch on.

"What?"

"You get all still and quiet and you just keep staring, like there's nothing else at all in the world. Do you even realize you're doing that?"

Sephiroth considered it. He had not been aware really. All he knew was that the instant he found something he actually _liked,_ when the power of choice had been his own, if felt good. He could not blame himself for wanting to prolong that breathless rush. "I'll take these."

Zack snorted. "I kinda figured. Come on. Let's go find the curator or whatever you call the stiffs who run places like these." He turned to go and bumped into a marble statue next to a roll-top desk. "Ouch! Dammit, who put this thing here? They really got to watch the placement. I mean, come on, this sucker's chest high. Somebody could get hurt!" Then he realized Sephiroth had gone quiet again. "Oh no, Sir. Statues too?" He turned to examine the thing.

It was a pale marble sculpture of a young nude girl. Not too young, Zack corrected himself, swallowing. The details were exquisite. Her hair flowed down over her back in intricate waves and her eyes, solid white and featureless, were turned skywards. One little hand was uplifted, as if to receive heaven's gift. She looked innocent and fragile. "Hmm, uh…" Zack scratched his head. "You know, she looks a lot like my gir-."

"I'll take her!" Sephiroth marched off to complete his transactions. Zack followed him, but kept glancing back at the marble dead-ringer for Aeris. The thought of Sephiroth owning something like that gave Zachary a strange feeling in his stomach.

"Where are you going to put her?" he asked, all the while chanting, 'Don't say bedroom, don't say bedroom,' in his head.

"The living room. In the corner next to the entertainment center."

Zack was relieved. "What do you want a statue of a woman for, though? If it's girls you want, there are more pliable ones out there."

Sephiroth's brow furrowed. "I don't want a woman, Zachary. The statue…she looks…sweet."

The dark-haired man glanced back at the little statue. "Yeah, she's sweet alright."

The General stopped and gave his second a funny look. "She's marble, Zachary. She can't really be sweet. She can only look that way."

Zack felt the tightness in his chest ease just a little. He had never been the jealous type. He had no right to such a feeling given his own behavior. But the thought that Sephiroth was possibly…attracted to the very particular kind of girl that Aeris happened to be was enough to make him see just a little bit green. And he was scared. He in no way measured up to the Shinra General.

He stood quietly fidgeting while Sephiroth wrapped up the details. Zack wondered what Aeris would think if he told her that there was a statue out there that looked just like her. He wondered who the model for the thing had been and just how long ago it had been done to end up in an antique store. Then a sneaky little thought wandered into his head. Was that what Aeris looked like under her clothes? Going over to Sephiroth's place was going to be embarrassing for a while. He didn't think he would be able to keep from having some kind of awkward reaction to the marble girl.

"Zachary," Sephiroth barked. "You're too quiet. What's going on?"

Zack blinked and looked around. He had been following blindly and had not realized that they were roaming the streets again. "Sorry. I got a little distracted there."

Sephiroth frowned at him. "Do you need more pie?"

"Very funny, Sir, but the solution to all life's problems does not lie in food." Zack waved the offer off and walked ahead, looking around to get his bearings. He did not get too far. Something across the street caught his eye.

Sephiroth did not notice. "So the solution to your particular problem would be what, exactly?"

Zack turned back to him and flashed a grin before he bolted across the street. "This time, Sir, it's puppies!"

Sephiroth was taken aback as his Second disappeared into a pet shop. He sighed. At times, dealing with Zachary was like taking care of a very large, noisy child. The General supposed it would not be proper to leave a child to get up to mischief in the midst of a bunch of defenseless, little animals. He took a breath and headed for the pet shop himself.

* * *

 **Time:** 4 hrs 36 mins.

 **Music:** Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz

 **Notes:** I know, I know, will this shopping trip ever end? XD Soon, soon.


	10. The Ultimate Accessory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Paint the Town**

**Paint the Town**

 **The Ultimate Accessory**

The door chimed as Sephiroth entered. A young woman with spiky, red hair looked up from the book she was reading at the counter. "We're closing in a short while, sir."

Sephiroth nodded. "I'll only be a moment. I came to get him." He pointed over to Zachary, who was leaning into the window display and making all kinds of cooing noises.

"Who's a cute puppy! You are. Yes, you are. Look at you, how chubby and wriggly and fuzzy you are! I could just snuggle you guys forever and ever, you cute, little balls of fluff, you!"

Sephiroth avoided the bright fish tanks and birdcages. He approached the man, fully intending to put an end to the trip and go home. Zack spun around grinning, with a black puppy in his arms. "You should get a pet!"

The General rubbed his forehead. "What need on the Planet do I have for a pet, Zachary? I barely have the time to care for an animal, even if I knew how."

Zack frowned at him and secured his grip on the wriggling pup. "You never had pets as a kid? That sucks. I had a dog when I was little. Well, he was technically my dad's, but he followed me everywhere." He bent over to put the pup back in the display with the others. "Man, I loved that dog. He was an old, shaggy, black mess of a mutt."

Sephiroth wondered how much truth there was to the saying that dogs were like their owners.

"He weren't much brighter than a doorknob though," Zack murmured. The General snorted. Zachary bounced back up with a fluffy, white puppy. "You should get a dog, sir. They're loyal and cuddly and smart and you'll always have someone who's happy to see you come home."

Sephiroth made a small sound, almost a growl. "And what kind of dog would you recommend, Zachary?"

Zachary looked into the display and then held out the white pup he was holding. "How about this little guy? He's nice and fuzzy."

"Meaning he'll shed a lot. I'd much rather not walk around with something that looks like a giant rat on a string anyway."

Zack narrowed his eyes at the General and covered the puppy's ears. "Don't say that! You'll hurt his feelings!" He brought the pup up to his eye level. "You're okay, pup, you hear that? Don't mind that crazy soldier." He put the puppy back down and scrambled around for another. "How about a poodle, Sir? I hear they don't shed much."

Sephiroth was horrified. "I am certainly not going to walk around with a _gay_ rat on a string!"

"Now that's just mean, Sephiroth." Zack lunged at the yapping pups and scooped out a very tiny one for the General to see. "How about him?"

Sephiroth stared right into a pair of bulging eyes set in an oversized head on a spindly body. The thing wriggled forward in Zack's hand, ready to take on the General with all of its six-inch Chihuahua might. Sephiroth edged backwards. "Zachary, that thing looks like it's on drugs."

Zack put the puppy down with the others and studied his commanding officer. "Let me guess. You want a big, macho dog."

"I don't recall saying I wanted a dog at all, Zachary."

"Well, you didn't exactly say you didn't want one. What do you think you'd be into? Huskies? Sheepdogs?"

Sephiroth considered. Maybe if he got one that was vicious enough, he could train it to keep Zachary away. "A pinscher or a pitbull, perhaps."

"Pitbull?" Zack looked at him, horrified. "Are you nuts? Those things kill people and eat the bodies afterwards."

"Good." Sephiroth folded his arms. "Saves me the trouble of corpse disposal."

Zack stared at the man for a moment. "With all due respect, Sir, you're a sick bastard." He reached into the display and patted as many of the squirming, yapping pups as he could reach. They he swung back up with a dark brown puppy in his hands. "Honestly, Sir, just hold one. Look, I think this one's a Labrador. They're really sweet. Just hold him for a second." He walked over and thrust the chubby pup into Sephiroth's arms.

The General struggled to keep his grip on the wriggling thing. It was soft and very warm. And not overly fluffy. It looked up at him with big brown eyes and then craned its neck towards him, stretching to sniff him better. Sephiroth reared back a bit, unsure if he wanted a dog's wet nose on him. The pup whined a little and pedaled its feet. Slowly, it began to wag its tail.

Zack spotted something far away. "Hey, a kitten got loose! Here kitty, kitty!" He fled down the narrow aisle.

Sephiroth relaxed and the puppy nuzzled up to him. He jumped when the wet tongue touched his chin but then he realized it was not bad at all. The puppy was so soft and cuddly and willing to love. He adjusted his grip to cradle the little animal in his arms. It yapped at the surprise change in position and tried to paw his face. Sephiroth smiled down at the puppy without realizing it. The thing was sweet, just like the chocolate it was colored like.

Zack rounded the corner with a hissing ball of striped grey fur in his arms. "Look, Sir! I got the kitten!" Sephiroth tightened his grip on his puppy. There was no way he was trading a warm, loving puppy for a miniature tiger in grey. The kitten clawed at Zachary's shirt and meowed fiercely. Zack pulled it away with some difficulty and jostled it a bit. "Don't do that, kitty." The feline protested loudly and began to kick, claws out.

Sephiroth looked down at the puppy. Chocolate was twisted around so he could chew the lapels of Sephiroth's coat. The General dislodged the pup with some effort. "No. Don't do that." The puppy had the decency to look suitably chastened. Sephiroth smirked, thoroughly pleased. This one, at least, was trainable.

"You want a cat instead, Sir?" Zack held the squalling kitten out.

"No, thank you." Sephiroth unconsciously tightened his grip on the puppy. "If I wanted to put up with an attitude like that from something living off my welfare, I'd have a child."

"Heh, funny, Sephiroth." Zack squished the kitten in a bear hug against his chest, paying no attention to how it cried. "Last I checked you need a woman for that and unless I missed something, you don't have one. I could help you with that, though."

Sephiroth made a rude sound. "I don't need your help." He went back to rubbing the puppy's belly. Little Chocolate was proving quite amusing. The General wondered exactly how hard it was to paper train a puppy. He would hate to find presents in his shoes.

"Pfft. Fine, be that way." Zack announced with a hint of mock melodrama. "If you don't want my help, I'll just take kitty here and be on my way."

"You're taking the cat?"

"Sure, why not?" Zack hoisted the yowling thing up. "He's a cute little guy. I'm going to take him home and pet him and feed him and call him 'George'. You like that, George?" The kitten hissed and bared its fangs.

Sephiroth hid his laughter. "I don't think that kitten is a 'George'."

Zack considered it and held the thing up in front of his face. He paced back and forth, seemingly oblivious to the way the kitten was gearing up to scratch his nose off. "You're right. 'George' is a really ordinary name. Cats always have that wise look. It's something in the eyes. Yeah, I see it now." He grinned and tossed the kitten up in the air. The kitten howled and splayed in the air, preparing for a hard landing. Unfortunately, Zack caught it again. The kitten stared with wide yellow eyes and its tail whipped back and forth.

Zack did not recognize the signs. "You're a smart kitty. I think I'll call you 'Noah' cuz you look like you know a lot." He held the kitten back out to Sephiroth. "Don't you think he looks like a 'Noah'?"

Sephiroth took a look, raising one eyebrow. "Actually, I think 'he' looks like a 'she'."

"Really?" Zack yanked the kitten back so he could get a good look. "Hey, you're right! It is a girl!"

That was the final straw. The kitten lunged and swiped a paw against Zack's cheek. Zack howled and grabbed his face, dropping the little animal. The kitten landed softly and stared back up at the glow-eyed monsters above it. Sephiroth made a move to pick it up, with the intention of returning it to its cage, but the thing narrowed its eyes and hissed at him.

"Damn!" Zack rubbed at the scratches. They were not deep but they stung terribly. He made a move to follow the kitten but it hissed louder and fled down the aisle. "What the…?" Zack tried to follow but the kitten squeezed under a shelf. Zack huffed. "Fine! Be that way! I'll have you know I could have any other cat I want!"

Sephiroth glanced down at the pup he held. Chocolate looked from the soldier to the General with a quizzical expression. Sephiroth almost felt that the pup expected an explanation about Zachary's behavior. He jostled the puppy. "What else can you expect?" he asked it softly. "Zachary's an idiot."

Zack looked up at the mention of his name but the General was occupied with pulling his fingers out of the puppy's mouth. The dark-haired soldier turned away. There were plenty of other options for pets in the store. Sephiroth began to follow him slowly after a while, always staying a few feet behind and not really paying attention to anything.

"Hmm, General, what do you think about fish?"

"Tasty."

Zack snorted and tapped a nearby aquarium. The black and white fish flitted away, startled. "I mean as pets. Maybe I should get a fish." Sephiroth did not bother answering. "These look nice. Angelfish. They got that angular look." He moved on to another tank. "Guppies. Hmm…Nah, everybody has guppies. Goldfish too. Although…" He leaned in closer to press his face against the glass. "That one's got a nice tail. Hey, pretty girl, shake that thing in my direction."

Sephiroth sighed and wandered away. Snakes and rabbits and parrots held little interest for him. He found himself staring at leashes and water dishes instead. The puppy stretched out and tried to latch on to a dangling rope toy. "Oh, you like that, do you?" Sephiroth pulled the pup away. "It's not yours yet, but give me a minute."

"Hey, Sephiroth!" Zack called out. "You want a pet seahorse?"

"No, Zachary."

"How about a mouse?"

Sephiroth considered it. He had enjoyed playing with lab mice as a child, but looking at them now always brought something unpleasant to mind. "No, Zachary. No mice."

"You sure?" Zack hollered. "They're real cute."

"Until they hit puberty." Sephiroth mumbled and scratched the puppy's head. The thing kept trying to nip him. Rats bit too, but with worse intent.

"I got it!" Zack appeared around the corner with a green rock in his hand. "A pet turtle! A no-fuss pet _and_ a legacy to leave my grandkids!"

Sephiroth squinted at the rock. "That's a turtle?"

Zack looked down at the little thing in his hand. "Yeah, but he's, you know, down in his shell." He brought the thing up to his eyes. "Come on out, little turtle. Daddy wants to play." The turtle did not move. Zack looked up at Sephiroth. "I guess he's shy."

The turtle chose that moment to strike.

It lunged out and snapped on to Zack's nose. "Oh shit! Shit, shit, shit, Seph, ow, shitty shit! Aw, hell!" Zack hopped all around flapping his arms. "Get it off! Get it off!"

Sephiroth set the puppy down and leapt into action. He grabbed the turtle and pulled. It didn't work. All it did was make Zack scream as his nose was stretched to previously unimaginable lengths. "Cut that out! You're going to pull my nose off."

Sephiroth let go of the turtle. "I was trying to help. Do you have any better ideas."

The cashier sprang around the corner. "What's happening? What's going on?"

"Ah, good." Sephiroth drew himself up and faced her. "We need your expertise. My brilliant friend has managed to get a turtle attached to his face. How do we remove it?"

The girl shrunk. "That's not good. Usually we just wait for them to let go."

Zack whimpered. "How long does that take?"

The girl shrugged. "A few minutes. But one of the guys who works the morning shift had one stay on him for two hours once."

Zack whimpered some more. "It really hurts," he whined.

"That's what you get for messing with wild animals," Sephiroth huffed.

"Pet shop turtles aren't wild," Zack whined again.

"They're not really domesticated either," Sephiroth snapped and reached into his coat. "I have a pocket knife. I can cut it off you."

"NO!" Both Zack and the cashier yelled.

The girl shook her head wildly. "Sir, I can't allow you to harm the merchandise."

Sephiroth grated his teeth. "Fine. I suppose I'll have to carve a sliver out of Zachary's nose then."

Zack clapped both hands over his reddening, turtle-adorned snoot and backed away. "No way, man! You stay the hell away from my nose!"

"It can be sewn back, Zachary!" The General pulled out the right sized blade from his knife. "There have been some amazing advances in plastic surgery recently."

Zack stumbled against a large birdcage, upsetting the parakeets within. "I said you stay away, damn it!"

"I agree, sir," the cashier said, swallowing. She hid herself halfway behind the shelves of fish food and aquarium supplies. "No makeshift surgery in this shop."

Sephiroth huffed and turned towards her. "What would you suggest we do then, Miss?"

"Wait it out." The girl shook her head in Zachary's direction. "That's your best bet to avoid losing a chunk of your face. You're lucky that's a baby. A bigger one might have bitten right through you."

Zack's eyes began to water. "Please, can't you get it off? I can't walk around with a turtle hanging off my face."

Sephiroth sighed and put his pocket knife away. "There's nothing wrong with your legs, Zachary. You can walk. We'll wait it out. I don't want things to get any worse for you. I have some antiseptic and bandages in my apartment."

"Thank you, sir. You really do care a little bit." Zack's eyes flooded over, though it could have been from the pain.

"Care? I just don't want you crying to me about not being able to get a woman once your looks are spoiled. Come on, let's go."

"Uh," the cashier stopped them. "I can't let you just leave with store merchandise."

Sephiroth sighed. "Fine. I'll buy the turtle." He tried to ignore Zack's whimpering as the girl rang up the purchase. The General looked around the store while he waited for his change. He had a feeling he was forgetting something but Zack's moaning was making it hard to think.

They were out the door and halfway across the street when the turtle decided to let go. "Ooh! Ah!" Zack yipped as the thing fell. He dropped the coat he had been using to hide his face. Sephiroth bent down to retrieve the turtle but the coat got in the way.

"Don't move, Zachary," he ordered, but it was too late. Zack was already hopping around and waving air onto the stinging bite mark on his face. Sephiroth scrambled around at his Second's feet, trying to retrieve the turtle before the man stepped on it. The light turned green but the cars did not move. Nobody dared honk a horn at the General. Most of the drivers were too busy watching the show anyway. "I said don't move!" Sephiroth said firmly. He reached out at the sight of the shell and was just a half-second too late. One wild kick from Zachary sent the little turtle spinning across the street and into the storm drain.

Sephiroth stood, staring at the way the thing had gone. "You've done it now."

"Done what?" Zachary looked up from rubbing his sore nose. "Where's the turtle?"

"Swimming through the Midgar drainage system." Sephiroth sighed and marched away. Zack followed, bewildered.

"Oh nuts, I didn't mean for that to happen." His voice was taking on the slightest tone of a wail again. "There's all kinds of crap down there. What's going to happen to him?" He knelt down on the sidewalk and hung his head over to peer into the drain.

Sephiroth turned around when he did not sense the man following him. "Zachary, get up. The turtle is gone. There's nothing you can do."

Zack got slowly to his feet and resumed following, though he threw sad backward glances at the ground. "Poor little guy. He's so tiny. He's going to get eaten by alligators or mutate into some weird monster from all the gunk down there."

"The alligators are just an urban legend, Zachary. I doubt anything could survive in what's flowing through the sewers." Sephiroth started towards the Shinra Tower. "And you should have been thinking about the turtle's welfare before you even picked it up." He glanced back at the pet shop in the distance. The sign in the door flipped over to 'Closed'. Sephiroth frowned. His arms felt oddly empty. Then he remembered why.

"What's the matter, sir?" Zack rubbed his nose and tried to see what had caught his commander's attention.

"I wanted Chocolate."

"Oh, well, you can get chocolate anywhere."

Sephiroth turned around to explain but stopped when he saw Zachary examining his hand for possible traces of blood from the bite wound. The General sighed and turned away.

"What's wrong now, Sir?"

"Nothing." Sephiroth kept walking. He spared one more look back at the pet shop and made a note to return when it was open.

* * *

 **Time:** 5 hrs 38 mins.

 **Music** : Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python's 'Life of Brian'

 **Notes:** And that is the origin of the Aps monster. XD This is my gift to Noacat. Thanks, girl! In other news, updates will be slower for a month or so. End of semester and other assorted drama. Sorry about the wait.


	11. Setting up House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Setting up House**

At thirty-four minutes past the hour of ten o'clock, General Sephiroth, seasoned military strategist and war hero, made a small addition to the very brief list of things that unnerved him – Zack wielding power tools.

"Here I am, Sir!" Zack posed in the hallway, brandishing an electric drill like a gun and a smile like a broadbeam floodlight. "Let's make some holes!"

Sephiroth's grip tightened on the edge of the door as he took in his second. Zack, his nose neatly decorated with a small bandage, was out of uniform – it was Saturday, after all – and he had wrangled up a toolbelt from somewhere. He had a wide assortment of drill bits and wrenches attached to him and a tape measure that had seen better days stuck out of the pocket of his jeans. He carried a small knapsack that Sephiroth could only assume held more tools.

"Well, come on, Sir, I'm here to help you get your new stuff in place. I walked with everything we could possibly need, little housewarming present for you and everything," Zack explained when it became clear that his General was beyond speaking for the moment. Sephiroth had half a mind to slam the door shut and not open it for a week.

It was not that he was _afraid_ , mind you. Never afraid. A six foot tall man who easily wielded a six foot long sword had little to fear in the world. There was not much in general to fear from a man wielding an electric drill, even if he was pointing up to the ceiling as if he intended to rob a bank with it. No, it wasn't that.

It was simply because it was Zack. Sephiroth could not deny it. His second put him on edge much of the time. Right now, it was because of a certain feeling in his gut, an inexplicable dead surety that anyone who could wind up with a turtle attached to his proboscis had no business handling anything that involved electricity and hard moving parts.

Zack's smile faltered under Sephiroth's assessing glare. "Well, you gonna let me in or what? I spent half the morning trying to rustle up a ladder."

The buzzer sounded and Sephiroth palmed the keypad at the side of the door. He did not speak himself, only took note of who dared to ask for entry to his abode. He sighed as he keyed the panel to allow the delivery men access to the building, then stepped aside to let Zack in. It was no use trying to keep the man out with deliveries being made. Zack was a SOLDIER, a damn good one, Sephiroth had to admit. He would find someway to sneak in and keep making a thorough pest of himself.

Sephiroth would keep an eye on the man, though. The last thing he wanted was for Zack to have some unfortunate accident with that drill. An accident, in and of itself, would not have been so bad, but not in Sephiroth's nice new apartment.

Zack shouldered the ladder, swaggered in and took a look around. He could feel his superior's glare on the back of his neck, but he ignored it. He had come to help. And to make sure that his cranky, morbid General wasn't in too bad a mood.

The boxes of books had been pushed to one side of the living room. A few deliveries had already been made for the morning.

Several half-assembled bookshelves lined one wall. The entertainment center had been pulled out of place and the tangle of wires trailed along the floor. Sephiroth apparently had not gotten around to running the wires out of sight yet. A wild mix of assorted rods and brackets formed a small pile along the window and in the far corner, away from the general mess, stood the pale marble statue the General had chosen in the antique store. Zack deliberately trained his eyes away from a marble face that was too familiar.

He set the ladder down near the window. "I'll get started on the curtain rods, okay?"

Sephiroth stared for a while before slowly nodding in approval, at a loss at what to do. He didn't know exactly how to put the rods up himself and he didn't have a ladder or a drill lying around. But Zack handling powertools while balancing on a rickety ladder…

Sephiroth turned away, reminding himself that Zack was a SOLDIER, First Class, no less. Just because the man occasionally had altercations with pet store reptiles…

Zack yanked a rod up from the bottom of the heap and yelped when an overlapping one flew up and knocked him lightly on the forehead. Sephiroth resolutely turned away and buried himself in putting up shelves. He would not look. If he wanted to get through the day, he would not look. He would pay his second absolutely no attention. Not for anything less than a complete decapitation.

"There are instructions," he said tersely, waving vaguely towards a sheet of paper on the far end of the pile. Maybe that could keep the bloodshed down to a minimum.

There was a short rap on the door. Sephiroth turned to answer it. He heard Zack fussing with the tape measure behind him. He ignored it and turned to face the deliverymen. He glanced over at the cargo – a couch, a loveseat and an armchair, all in soft black leather, just as he had chosen the day before.

"Where do I sign?" he asked quietly, not looking anyone in the face. The men were all stunned speechless. The General hoped none of them would start babbling. Behind him, Zack swore at the instruction sheet for having six different languages, then dropped the drill on the carpet. Sephiroth pulled the door in behind him a little. Maybe a little worshipful blather wouldn't be so bad.

The one in charge was a professional, though, a grizzled man with the stocky build that told of a life of heavy lifting. He held up his clipboard. "Right here, and here, Sir."

Sephiroth nodded and took his pen out of his pocket. He signed slowly and carefully, pressing hard to make sure he got all the layers. If he made a neat enough signature here, maybe he would not get asked for an autograph. He was aware of the three younger men in the hallway prodding each other and staring at him even though he did not raise his eyes. He withheld a sigh. This was why he usually stayed in military bases and Shinra buildings even on his days off. Life in the public eye was not something his upbringing had prepared him for.

The buzz of a drill filled the air in a quick burst. "Whoa, that was close!" Zack yelled to no one in particular. Sephiroth stared at the wall ahead of him as he handed the clipboard over.

"Thank you, Sir. You want us to bring it in now?" The delivery man stood waiting an answer. Sephiroth broke from his gazing and stared down at the man with an unintentional sharpness. The man looked away hurriedly. There were few SOLDIERS who could bear the sight of Sephiroth's slitted gaze. A civilian barely had a chance.

Sephiroth mulled over the man's words. It was bad enough that delivery required people coming into the hallway, invading even this small part of the Shinra residential complex where he resided. He did not want strangers in his apartment.

The drill started up again. "Oh, crap!" Zack yelled.

Sephiroth really didn't want strangers in his apartment. "I require no assistance," he said brusquely. "You may leave."

"Whoo, that was lucky!" Zack hollered in the background. "Almost swallowed a screw!"

Sephiroth stared at the wall ahead of him, waiting for the men to clear the hallway. He absolutely would not turn around and look any sooner than he absolutely had to, never mind if Zack was choking or bleeding in there.

"Um, you sure y-," one of the younger men began. Sephiroth glared at him.

The boss herded them down the hall. "You have a good day, Sir."

Sephiroth nodded. It was strange how everyone automatically called him 'Sir'. He stepped back into the shadow of the doorway, waiting for the men to turn the corner. He could hear the younger ones begin jabbering as they moved out of sight.

"Oh my god! That was him, wasn't it! It was really him!"

"I thought he'd be taller, maybe. But dude, he was friggin cold, yo!"

"I wonder where he keeps his sword. I wish we could have seen that."

"I wonder who that was making all the noise in the background."

"Maybe it's his bitch!" There was laughter.

"All right, y'all shut it! That's no way to talk about the man who won the war."

Sephiroth frowned. He peered down the empty corridor, toying with the idea of giving the boys a close personal look at the masamune. Of all the strange things that came of being an instant 'celebrity', the hushed debating about his personal life was hardest to understand.

A loud 'thunk' reached him from inside. He exhaled roughly, blowing fine strands of hair out of his eyes. With one more check to be certain the hallway was empty, he stepped out and hefted the couch off the floor.

It was not too heavy for him, but it was unwieldy for one man to carry. He shuffled back and forth, concentrating only on turning the corner and getting the thing in the door. He refused to look up from the task even as he entered the living room. He kept his head resolutely down. He was afraid of what he might find.

He pushed the couch into place and took a look at the floor. There were no bloodstains on the carpet. That was a good sign. He glanced upwards, half-expecting to find Zack hanging mutilated over the ladder with curtain rods sticking out of his chest.

Instead, the dark-haired man was holding a tiny level up a faintly-penciled line on the wall and nodding to himself with a satisfied grin. The brackets were already in place, all neatly spaced, even and if the level was any indication, in a perfectly straight line. The ceiling did not look like it was about to fall. There were no gouges in the wall and Zack looked like he was in one piece.

"Got it in one!" Zack raised a fist in triumph. "A perfect installation!"

Sephiroth was surprised. It showed only as a blank silence. Zack grinned at him and made his way down the creaky ladder.

"What d'ya think, General? Ready to put up those girly-ass curtains?"

Sephiroth ignored the insult to his drapes and stepped closer to inspect the work. "You did that quickly," he said.

"Yep," Zack revved up the drill one more time and holstered it in the toolbelt. "I know my power tools."

"I would have guessed otherwise from what I was hearing," Sephiroth said.

"Aw, the ladder's rickety is all." Zack slapped the ladder to show his commander how much the thing wobbled. "I jacked it from a janitor's closet on the way over here." He held his hands up in self-defense at Sephiroth's disapproving frown. "I'll put it back as soon as I'm done."

Sephiroth just nodded and went to retrieve the rest of his furniture. He spent very little time actually arranging anything. He had decided beforehand exactly where he wanted everything. The shelves were up neatly against the wall, awaiting the loads of texts and books to fill them. The living room furniture formed a neat oblong shape around the dinky little glass coffee table, the only thing that had survived the destruction of his last apartment. The entertainment center was soon reconnected and shifted back into its new position between the shelves. Zack had proven his unexpected usefulness by drilling holes and mounting hooks for the General's new photographic prints.

Sephiroth had the bulk of his books unpacked and shelved in short order. It was much easier now that he actually had a place to put them. He stared at the neatly ordered rows of leatherbound classics, ancient texts on war strategy, histories of nations and boundaries and politics and discourses on virtue and leadership. Some of it had been required reading in his academy days. Some of it he had felt would be a good supplement to that basic knowledge. There were even a few of the literary classics that had become part of his general education, things he was made to read simply because it was a good idea to have read them. There wasn't much variety in the whole collection.

He was pulled out of his mulling over his limited tastes by Zack's relaxed holler. "Where's your drapes, Sir?"

Sephiroth pointed at a large bag in the corner. Zack rifled through it, yanking out the neatly folded drapes and spilling the frothy ones everywhere. He got tangled up for a moment and Sephiroth fully expected to see him trip, but the dark-haired menace untangled himself with a laugh and got down to the business of figuring out which panel went on which rod.

"Don't know why you picked these complicated curtains, General," he mumbled, sitting on the floor to sort the mess out. "Sheer on light rod, dark on the broad, no, wait, this part has to loop back over here." He stopped and looked up at his commanding officer. Sephiroth was staring back at him with a fair amount of interest.

"Something the matter, Zachary?"

Zack nodded. "You got girly-ass taste in drapes. My mother would love this stuff." He seemed to remember exactly who he was talking to because he dove headlong into his task again. A few moments passed in which he was acutely aware of his General's stare on his head. But the danger passed and Sephiroth moved to the far wall to pick up his pictures.

Sephiroth was a little surprised to find that putting up pictures was just as time-consuming as all the heavy lifting. He knew how he liked his books ordered. There were only so many places the shelves could go. But pictures… these were a different matter. Did he want the sunset photo high and the cactus shot low or the other way around? Did he want the desert rose picture in the living room where he could see it while he sat or near the door so it would be the last thing he saw before leaving for the day?

Eventually, he realized that it didn't matter what order he hung them in, because if he decided later that he didn't like it, he could just rearrange them as he saw fit. He smiled to himself and stopped fussing. When he returned to the living room, he found that Zack had proven remarkably competent with figuring out the 'girly-ass curtains'. The lighter panels were already up over the window, only just blocking the worst of the morning sun. Sephiroth was relieved to have at least that little barrier. He went to the corner to hoist his little statue into place.

He set the marble girl down in the corner near the bookcases. She seemed to fit in well there, pale against his dark shelves. He rotated her in place a bit, trying to find the best direction for her to face while Zack made his way up the rickety ladder with a heavily-laden curtain rod.

Sephiroth caught a swooping flash of dark out of the corner of his eye and hit the floor immediately, taking the statue down with him. The curtain rod swung into the space where his head had been and the dark, heavy drapes trailed over him. Zack yelped and retracted the pole with one hand. His other hand kept a white-knuckled grip on the edge of the window frame while he struggled to bring the ladder back into balance.

Sephiroth scowled up at him from the floor, showing no concern for how close his second had come to a nasty spill. "Why don't you be more careful with that thing?" he snapped.

"I'm sorry, Sir," Zack bowed his head, grimacing at his gaffe. "I didn't center the rod right and the ladder wobbled too far." He made a show of adjusting the curtain rod properly in his arms and taking a safer, more sturdy stance on the ladder. "Besides, you ducked, didn't you?"

"That's beside the point," Sephiroth grated.

Zack narrowed his eyes at the man. "Look, nothing's broken and no one's hurt. No harm, no foul, okay?" He froze. Sephiroth continued to scowl up at him from the floor but Zack wasn't meeting his eyes anymore. The General looked down at what had caught his second's attention.

In his rush to the floor, Sephiroth had cradled the statue of the girl to prevent it from taking damage from the impact. One of his arms curled around her head, keeping it off the floor. The other hand was cupping a pale, marble breast.

Sephiroth quickly slid his hand further down in an effort to keep things decent, but the girl was naked and there weren't exactly a lot of options available. He winced and gingerly removed his arms completely, letting the statue sink gently to the floor. He looked back up at Zack. For some reason, the man seemed rather pink.

Zack snapped out of his horrified daze when the General turned green eyes on him. He turned away immediately and resumed wrestling the final rod into the brackets. He would not speak of what had just happened. It was ridiculous really. So the position had looked a little _cozy_. It was a statue, not a real girl, even if it did look a lot like… Zack resolved right there to never introduce his girlfriend to the General. It was bad enough he would have to see her marble doppelganger every time he came over. He didn't think he could stand seeing them both in the same place together after that little gropey moment.

The last groove snapped into place and Zack stepped carefully down the ladder. He stepped back to survey his work. The General had quietly set the statue to rights and was observing Zack's work at the windows.

"Not bad, eh?"

Sephiroth nodded. "It looks like it should."

"Glad I could help," Zack said, folding the ladder up. He felt that he should say something more, but there was some tension in the room. What exactly did one say to one's superior after hours when all possible work was done? "So… it's a pretty good-looking bachelor pad now. All you need is a mini bar."

Sephiroth frowned. He was not sure what to do himself now that there was no common goal in mind. Did he invite Zack to stay a while? What could they possibly do? It was the weekend and surely someone like Zack had better things on his mind than work. Other than work, Sephiroth could think of nothing they really had in common. Offering the man tea was out of the question after what had happened the last time.

Zack rocked back and forth on his feet. "So, I guess I better go stash the ladder back where I found it."

Sephiroth nodded. "Zachary…," he began. "What do you normally do on your weekends?"

Zack blinked at the question. "Well, uh, usually at this hour, I'm keeping my girlfriend company."

Sephiroth turned away. He would have the peace of his day back. That was good. "Thank you for taking the time to help me with this," he said calmly, inclining his head.

Zack's easy grin returned. "No problem. Mind if I use your bathroom to wash up?"

Sephiroth pointed him down the hall and sat down in his new armchair. He looked around the room, at the stark contrasts of dark and light he had almost subconsciously chosen. Only his new photographic prints added any color to the monotony and for a moment Sephiroth found himself wondering if they would have fit better if they were black and white.

The sound of running water stopped and Zack emerged from the bathroom looking oddly pleased with himself. "I'll just get the ladder out of the way." Sephiroth barely registered the man's crossing the floor. "I can let myself out," Zack hollered. "Call me anytime if you need anything!" The General heard the door slide shut.

The silence grew and filled the space. The room no longer seemed so empty, but there was something cold about the stillness. Sephiroth almost wished Zack had stayed longer. His chatter was mindless but it filled the space. The General sighed.

A few hours of getting used to his new space would take care of it. He stood and shook his hair out behind him. It flowed straight down, not like the soft curls etched in his little statue's cold marble. Sephiroth gave the thing a closer look. He could not for the life of him understand why he had chosen it in the first place, but it fit in well with his black-and-white life. He shook his head at the thought and went to wash up.

He had his head leaned over the sink when he spotted something unfamiliar on the back of the toilet. He rubbed the water out of his eyes and took a closer look. Zack must have left something behind.

It appeared to be a small stack of magazines with a large sticky-note over the top one. He recognized Zack's angular scrawl.

'Everybody needs some bathroom reading material. I'm done with these so I thought maybe you could use them.'

Sephiroth huffed. It seemed innocuous enough and he had been thinking about adding some variety to his library. He lifted one corner of the note and peeled the thing off.

He dropped the magazines as soon as he saw what lay beneath. Some of them fell open to reveal that there was, in truth, very little 'reading material' to be found between the covers. And these were _used_. Sephiroth had a sudden urge to scrub his hands with bleach. He poked the glossy pages with one booted toe in an effort to make them flap closed. It was a wasted effort. If he wanted the things gone, he would have to pick them up and that likely meant touching them. Sephiroth sputtered in his frustration and an angry cry ripped from his throat.

"ZACHARY!"

But the man was long out of ear-shot and Sephiroth had to deal with his little problem on his own.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **Time:** 3 hours 2 minutes

 **Music:** Bach by the Sea

 **Notes:** I'm very delinquent about updating this story, but I don't forget about it, in all its messy, unbeta'ed 'glory'. I've reentered school and I'm struggling mightily with the course load. The only thing I can say is enjoy college while you're there because it really is the final playpen. Everything after it is _pain_.

But I'm hanging in there (by a thread), so don't count me out just yet! I'm finding ways to keep doing this. See you around!


	12. Dirty Little Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Dirty Little Secrets**

"Hey there, gorgeous! How's my girl doing?"

Aeris giggled as she looked back over her shoulder. "Why don't you go ask her? I think I passed her on the corner near Wall Market."

"Oh, you are so mean!" Zack wailed as he slumped heavily into a pew. "I'm not that low."

Aeris said nothing, but she flashed a little smile at Zack before going back to snipping blossoms for her basket. Zack frowned at her. Normally he enjoyed watching Aeris tend her flower bed. The view was terrific. But damn, when even his sweet little girlfriend was taking shots at his love life, he knew his reputation had gotten out of hand.

He sighed. At least no one seemed to have heard about his little curtain-shopping trip with his very male General. That would be one strike too many. Wild, wayward Zachary, going for any pretty thing on the field, never mind which team it was on. His train of thought screeched to a halt, spewing up sparks as it ground against the rails.

Had he just thought that the General was pretty?

"I'm not that bad," he grumbled a bit.

Aeris set a few yellow flowers gently in her basket and looked back over her shoulder. "I know you're not."

Zack watched her for a while, quiet for one of the rare moments in his life. "I really wish you wouldn't go near Wall Market, Aer."

The girl shrugged. "Business is good there."

The soldier scoffed. "It sure is."

"I mean my kind of business. It's a Saturday night. Guys want flowers to impress their dates." Aeris stood up and dusted off her dress. "There's more going on in Wall Market than just… well, you know."

"I know." Zack got up and walked over to her. He wrapped his arms around her, careful not to let his hands sink too low. He pulled her in close and rested his cheek on her head. "I just don't like the thought of you out there with that kind of crowd."

"I can handle it, Zack," Aeris murmured against his chest. "I'm a slum girl. I'm tough and rugged and I know how to handle myself."

Zack swallowed and hugged Aeris tighter. She was so small and soft. He knew her words for the empty attempt at reassurance they were. Aeris was not strong, not physically, but she had her life and he had his and they had to be apart sometimes. That didn't mean Zack had to like it.

"Got your staff with you?"

"Always," Aeris replied cheerfully. "It's on the second pew."

"Hmm, you should keep it closer. You never know when something might pop up."

Aeris laughed lightly. "This is a church, Zack."

Zack held her at arm's length and looked into her eyes with a rare sternness. "Some people have no concept of the sacred, Aeris. I don't want you hurt."

The laughter left Aeris' eyes. "I know," she said softly. Zack folded her into his arms again and slowly began to sway.

Aeris leaned in closer to his warmth. Zack was usually such a bright, cheerful person, lighthearted and able to enjoy anything. It was rare to see him serious, worried even, but it happened occasionally and when it did, Aeris had to remind herself that her boyfriend was a soldier.

Not just any soldier, but Shinra Special Forces SOLDIER First Class. He had been in a war. Only for a brief time, considering how long the war had been going on, but her mother always said battle stayed with a man. Zack must have seen some ugly things in his time.

Aeris sighed and closed her eyes. She pressed her check against Zack's chest and listened to his heart. It was steady and strong, like Zack was. The girl smiled contentedly into his knit shirt and made a sound halfway between a sigh and moan.

"Is something wrong?" Zack asked.

"No," Aeris murmured. "I was just thinking."

"Mmm, about what?"

"This and that, nothing important."

Zack rubbed her back lightly. "Anything you can't tell me?"

Aeris shook her head. "I was wondering how things went with that friend of yours."

"Oh," Zack said. He looked up at the lofty ceiling as he considered it. "I suppose it's coming along. I helped him fix up his place this morning."

"That's good."

Zack tilted his head down again. "Was that all?"

The girl nuzzled his chest a little to hide her smile. "I was wondering what boxer shorts you were wearing today."

Zack's arms dropped. He stepped back and stared at the sweet picture of innocence that was his girlfriend. She stared up at him with impossibly vacant, wide, green eyes. Zack glanced around a bit. Then he turned his back to Aeris and took a peek down his pants. He cleared his throat and looked back at her over his shoulder.

"Singing frogs."

Aeris covered her mouth with one hand to hold back a giggle. "Can I see them?"

"This is a church, Aeris."

 ****

* * *

 **Time:** 1hr 27mins

 **Music:** Le Grand Tango – Astor Piazolla

 **Notes:** Yeah, Zack's wacky underwear is back! The puppy chapter will be along eventually, I promise. I'm not making anything resembling an attempt at decent pacing in this fic. I could, but I really like this half-random 'seeing where it takes me' business. Events and themes should follow off 'Rising Through the Ranks' and tie in somewhat to 'Path of Seduction', but since I put nowhere near that kind of effort into this fic, please pardon any errors and inconsistencies here.


	13. More Dirty Little Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **More Dirty Little Secrets**

At the very moment Zack was defending his virtue, desperation had driven Sephiroth to his least favorite place on the entire Planet – Hojo's lab. Sephiroth knew the place inside out, or almost. He had grown up there, after all. He knew exactly where to find what he was looking for.

Hojo had not changed the organization much over the years. Some drawers were still a mystery, having always been securely locked, but Sephiroth knew that the top drawer on the right of the centrifuge held extra boxes of gloves. He stopped to debate whether he would need large ones or if medium would do. With a huff he tucked a box of each under his arm and turned to do some more searching.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, boy?"

Sephiroth counted it as a point to his credit that he did not twitch. Hojo stood before him, scowling.

Sephiroth drew himself up to his superior height and scowled right back. "Don't you ever go home? It's the weekend."

Hojo huffed. "A scientist's work is never done. I have cell cultures that need feeding."

Sephiroth stiffened. The plan was working. "Don't you have lab assistants to do that?"

"The lackey called in sick," Hojo explained and began to clean his glasses on his tie. Sephiroth moved towards the door. Hojo caught himself when Sephiroth rounded the second bench. "Hey, don't change the subject! I asked you a question! Where do you think you're going with my gloves?"

Sephiroth withheld a sigh. He was not afraid of this bony old man, not anymore, but Hojo was a tiresome bastard and still sharp for his years. "I need them," he said simply, a little quieter than he would have liked. He had left terror behind long ago, but somehow he could never quite bring that note of command to his voice when speaking to Hojo.

"What the hell for?" The bent old scientist's voice had grown raspier with age. Sephiroth felt as if someone was rubbing a cheese grater across his eardrums. A rusty cheese grater. The General exhaled heavily but resisted the urge to slump. He was not defeated, just delayed.

"I have to handle some biohazardous material. I need gloves and perhaps some forceps as well."

Hojo stared at the General for a long while. "What kind of biohazardous material could you possibly be handling?"

"I'd rather not think about it, but it must be done." In a bold move, Sephiroth pulled a drawer open and began rooting around for forceps. Hojo watched him for a moment then came over to shove him aside.

The scientist pulled out forceps and a small sample tube. "Put it in this and bring it back here."

Sephiroth frowned at the man. "It's nothing you need to worry yourself about."

"I'll be the judge of that," Hojo snapped. He waved the sample tube at the soldier. "Put it in here and bring it to me."

"It's of no use to you" Sephiroth protested. "And it wouldn't fit in that tube anyway."

"Oh?" Hojo raised one crooked eyebrow. "What will it fit in?"

Sephiroth sighed. "Something much bigger."

"Hmm." Hojo shuffled over to the fridge and pulled a large plastic bag out from a box on top of it. "Put it in here and bring it back."

Sephiroth scowled again. He could almost feel his frown lines deepening whenever he was around Hojo. "Fine, but you'll see that it's nothing you need to concern yourself with." He spun on one heel and left the lab, only breathing easier once he was well away from the sharp tang of an aseptic environment. The cleaning compounds and seventy-percent alcohol that always hung in the air made his nostrils burn a little.

The job was quickly done. Truth be told, Sephiroth could not have gotten the accursed magazines off his bathroom floor soon enough. With large latex gloves on his hands and the largest pair of forceps Hojo had been able to find, the General picked the offensive items up one by one and dropped them at arms' length into the bag. He kept his eyes open just enough to ensure that his aim was true.

It wasn't that he was disturbed by images of naked women. He'd seen his fair share of that. But part of his mind was still reeling over the fact that these were _used_ magazines. Sephiroth knew how soldiers were, how men in general could be. He really didn't want to see if there was anything 'decorating' the pages. He tossed the bag into a cardboard box and made a note to soak the floor with bleach before beginning the trek back to the lab.

He found Hojo sitting on a stool, idly tapping a cage of mice. Sephiroth set the box down heavily on the bench.

"Here it is. It's nothing you'd be interested in," Sephiroth grumbled, "It wouldn't kill you to actually listen to what I'm saying once in your life."

Hojo brought the mice over with him and set them down next to the box. "Listen to you," he murmured. He opened the bag and removed the contents. "Oh. Oh! Hmm."

Sephiroth looked up from the mouse cage. "I told you." He looked down again. The way Hojo was handling those things so casually, in ungloved hands, was just disgusting. Sephiroth personally thought that a man whose life revolved around sterility should know better.

"Hmm," Hojo said again and began flipping through the covers. "I didn't know you were into this kind of thing."

"I'm not!" Sephiroth protested. "Someone came over and left them at my apartment."

"You've got friends bringing this kind of thing into your apartment?" Hojo stared. "Are you falling in with a bad crowd?"

"He's not my friend!" Sephiroth snapped. "And what kind of crowd I fall into is none of your business!"

"Hmm," Hojo turned away. It damn well was his business, but he had no one to blame but himself for Sephiroth thinking otherwise. "Well, you're a single young man. I suppose it's to be expected that you'll have your wild days."

Sephiroth grunted and went back to observing the mice, seemingly unaware of the eye Hojo was keeping on him. Sephiroth still had a certain soft spot for lab specimens, it seemed. Ever organized, Hojo filed that away in his mind as he sorted through the various issues. There was quite a variety in there. Sephiroth's not-friend had varied tastes.

"Oh, good! August!" Hojo exclaimed suddenly, making Sephiroth draw up straight. A happy Hojo was not good news for anyone else. Hojo was holding one magazine up. The thin man pulled his keys out of his pocket and went over to the filing cabinet next to the microtome. He knelt down and began working on the lock of the bottom drawer.

Sephiroth wondered what in the world the man was up to. Hojo had some strange ways of gathering specimens, but this was a little odd even for him. The scientist looked back over his shoulder and cleared his throat.

"Normally I wouldn't open this drawer with other people in the room, but you're not a nosy coworker and I suppose you're old enough for this kind of thing now." Hojo removed a stack of magazines from the drawer. "Let's see, June, July, September. All right then, August goes here."

Sephiroth's heart thudded. His eyes froze in place, unable to look away. Hojo locked the drawer and stood up. "Well, if you ever find yourself needing a little… entertainment, you can come to me. I'll lend you the key."

Sephiroth took a shaky step backwards. It was everything he could do not to gape.

"Oh, don't look so shocked," Hojo snapped. "I'm a man like any other. I have needs."

Sephiroth didn't stop running till he got to his apartment and he spent the next three hours in his bathtub, hosing and scrubbing.

* * *

 **Time:** 2hrs 34mins

 **Music:** El Amor Brujo: Ritual Fire Dance – Manuel de Falla

 **Notes:** Anybody else feeling the need to scrub and scour after that?


	14. The Continuing Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint The Town**

 **The Continuing Mission**

The summons came bright and early on Monday morning. _Thou art hereby summoned before the presence of the Almighty. Don't keep him waiting._

Of course not. It was always the unfortunate lackey who was to be kept waiting instead, and the 'holding area' below the office was not comfortable. Bullets and bite wounds Zack could handle with ease but the slow sensation of numbing buttcheeks was a completely different matter. It was almost a relief to finally go in and stand at perfect attention while the President took his time admiring the view.

Easy, easy, Zack reminded himself. It was standard dramatic flair, that carefully crafted stateliness, the reminder that the peon's time did not matter. Zack had enough flair of his own to appreciate the setup.

The man turned – never too hurried – and gave Zack a looking-over that might have made another man squirm. Zack was tempted to strike a pose just to see what the reaction would be.

"Fair, is it? What progress are you making on your assignment?"

"There have been no further attempts on the General's life, sir." Zack did not miss a beat. He'd had enough time to practice in the hall.

The President nodded thoughtfully. "No direct attempts or no attempts at all?" Zack had to remind himself that for all that the man was a tub of lard with a receding hairline, he had not raised a company into a global superpower by luck.

"No direct attempts, sir," Zack said, breathing deep, straight from the diaphragm to minimize the tense jerk of his collarbone, "and no evidence of anything else." Maybe, quite likely in fact, somebody out there was plotting to take Sephiroth out, but only the General himself had ever made an actual attempt.

"There's nothing suspicious around him then?"

Only if you count a secret sweet tooth and a tendency to dabble in designer pharmaceuticals. Zack clamped down on the thought and shook his head. "No evidence of snipers, spies or assassins, Sir. The last crackdown may have driven them off."

"So you think the danger is past, then? That is was a one-time thing?"

Just like that, Zack felt his little honey of a job slipping away. He did the only thing he could and lunged for it. "It's possible the culprits are regrouping, sir. The General is not an easy target."

"Of course." Shinra turned back to the window. "Is there anything else about him, SOLDIER?"

"Sir?"

"The General. Any odd habit? Strange tendencies?"

Zack's mouth went dry. His momma never did like him lying but ingrained honesty was not exactly a safe trait in his line of work. He had to bite his tongue to keep the truth in while he thought it over. "He's… a bit tense, sir." There. That was true enough without giving away the details.

"Hmm, dangerously so, or just stressed, do you think?"

Zack chose his words carefully. "I'd put it down to post-war adjustment, sir, but my opinion is hardly professional."

"Possible, quite right…" The President seemed to be drifting. Zack felt the urge to sweep the room for Turk presence. He strained his ears but could hear only two heartbeats and a fly hitting the glass in one corner in a suicidal bid for freedom.

"Are you happy with this assignment, SOLDIER?" Shinra asked suddenly.

"Yes, sir!" Zack did not hesitate. "Any SOLDIER would jump at the chance to work directly under the General." The President had a smirk that Zack couldn't really say he liked.

"Good. Continue as you have been doing, SOLDIER, and see if you can do something about that… tension." The smirk grew a fraction wider. When the dismissal came, Zack found it as much of a relief as being finally summoned in.

* * *

 **Time:** 1 hr 7 mins

 **Music:** Rod Stewart – Do Ya Think I'm Sexy

 **Notes:** It lives! Sort of. I never meant to abandon this and I'm very sorry for keeping you waiting, but it just slid away while the compilation was growing. I'm pretty sure by now that Crisis Core is set to 'decanonize' a lot of this but that's okay. Nothing a little AU tag can't fix. ;P Fun with Zack and Seph this began and fun with Zack and Seph it'll stay. Oh, yes, I'm using 'Fair' instead of 'Donovan'. I hope the switch isn't too jarring, but I'm so happy Zack finally has a last name (and Fair jokes are so much fun). I might go back and do some slight editing because 'Zachary Donovan Fair' isn't a bad name at all. XD


	15. Empty Nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Empty Nest**

The lunch hour was almost over by the time Zack made it to Sephiroth's office. There was too much hammering and refurbishing going on in there for anyone to actually work in it yet, but it was the closest place to try finding the man. He turned the corner just in time to see Sephiroth's back as the man walked away.

"Hey, Seph, wait up! Are we going for pie?"

Sephiroth stopped, going rigid. He did not turn around. "Go away, Zachary." The words were like ice. "Leave me alone."

Zack froze in the hallway a moment too long and the General was out of reach.

Sephiroth let the door close quietly behind him. He toed his shoes off at the door and let them lie there. He made his way to the living room, his head down, eyes on the pristine carpet and perfectly buffed hardwood floor. So shiny, so new…

He sank into his couch, heard the leather creak, and stared at the tv. He tired quickly of his reflection but could not be bothered to actually turn the thing on. He didn't think he could stand the noise at the moment. The cables were still lying out in a tangle on the floor. He had been meaning to pick them up and tuck them out of the way, but there was no hurry now.

He let his head roll back, then to the side where his shoes lay all forlorn by the door. He had planned to lock them into the closet, but that didn't matter. No need for the extra hook on the wall, and he could toss the stack of old newspapers out. He had not made any changes to his bedroom but there would have been plenty of space on the floor for a cushion, or a basket.

He'd had the spot in his kitchen floor picked out already, near the side of the fridge where it was warm and out of the way. The bowl he had kept his eye on was brushed steel and would have matched the fittings perfectly. No need for that now. Sephiroth slid his hand into his pocket and closed his fingers around the rubber ball he had bought on an impulse on the way down. He wanted to toss it hard and far, out the window, if he could, but instead he let it drop.

He sighed. Maybe if he had been quicker that day, if he hadn't let himself worry over that damn Zachary, if he'd walked with Masamune, been more insistent, taken the morning off…

He watched the ball make a lazy arc across his pristine, factory-fresh apartment floor and come to a stop with a bump against the entertainment center. He could not be bothered to pick it up himself and there was no one to fetch it for him.

He grunted. How fitting, he thought, that 'SOLD' was a four-letter word. He sank deeper into his couch and tried not to notice how empty the place was.

* * *

 **Time:** 46 mins

 **Music:** Desert Garden - Jon Crosby/Vast **  
**

 **Notes:** Much as I want Sephy to have the guaranteed loving a pup would provide, you know the man would never have it that easy, right? sniffle


	16. Gotta Have a Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Gotta Have a Plan**

Sephiroth locked Zack out of his office all Tuesday.

On Wednesday, Zack showed up early and waited by the door, only to be shoved forcefully aside with hardly a glance, then locked out once again. He tried pleading – not whining, definitely, absolutely not whining – but Sephiroth said nothing. The only response from inside was a sheet of paper with immediate orders to carry out an immediate inspection of the 38th Floor executive bathroom. Sephiroth didn't even open the door to hand it over, just slid it through the gap below until it hit Zack's boot. Dejected and temporarily defeated, Zack left for his assignment.

On Thursday, Zack ignored the hole Julia was trying to drill into him with her dirty looks. He marched right up to the big double doors and pounded for two hours and thirty four minutes. He eventually had to stop when Heidegger sent Rude down to say, very nicely, "If you don't stop making all that noise, I have been given permission to summarily defenestrate you."

Zack wasn't sure what that meant but it didn't sound pleasant. He settled for setting an ambush instead. At a quarter to twelve, when the muscles in his leg were just beginning to go numb, Reno passed by and asked him in all honesty what he was doing squatting behind a potted plant.

"I'm not drunk today, Fair. You can use the bathroom without fear. Even if I do come in while you're doing your business, I'll be holding my wang myself."

"Uh huh." Zack pushed a few leaves out of the way, not even listening. It was almost lunch time. The man had to come out.

"But seriously, if you really want to continue this 'urban survival' thing or whatever it is you're doing here, don't people go IN the plant pot when they get desperate?"

"Yeah, uh huh, I mean, I dunno." Zack didn't even blink. That door was due to open. T minus ten...

"I mean, not like I really give a crap, heh, crap," Reno swung his EMR across one shoulder, "but the way you're doing it's going to be hell for the cleaners. And that's not even thinking about the smell."

Zack did blink then. "What?" He turned and looked up at Reno. "What do you think I'm doing here?"

Reno looked down at the boy like he was some kind of little puppy. Cute, amusing, but not too bright. "What exactly have I been talking about this whole time, SOLDIER? I asked you if you were taking a dump there and you said, 'yeah, uh huh'. I was just wondering why."

Zack spluttered. "I said that?"

"If my ears did not deceive me, and they don't usually." Reno waggled his eyebrows at the SOLDIER.

Zack hunched down and scrunched up his face. "Well, I guess I wasn't listening."

Reno made a mock pout. "Oh, I'm hurt, Fair."

"Sure, you are." Zack rolled his eyes. "Look, if you don't mind, I'm a little occupied at the moment." He turned back to the door just in time to see it swing to a slow close, the latch clicking, not catching, in the lock. "Oh, ffffuddlebugs!" Behind the desk outside, Julia smirked and filed her nails with increased vigor.

Reno snickered. "That's a new one."

Zack sprang to his feet. "Do you mind? I just spent the whole morning waiting for him to come out and then you come in with your big mouth and wreck the whole thing!"

"Aw, you two have a fight?"

Zack leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. There hadn't been an outright fight, had there? Zack went over everything he could recall about the last few days. There was nothing he had done that he could directly say was causing the problem. He'd just been locked out without warning, right after his meeting with the President. No fight.

"No fight," he said.

"Oh," Reno nodded as if he understood. "Just General Moodiness, eh? Don't sweat it. He was having spells like this long before you showed up."

Zack sighed. "I have to get in there." He had his assignment from on high, after all. He couldn't very well keep an eye on the General through an oak door.

He straightened. To hell with the assignment. The General did need someone to look out for him, and not for any stupid mission. He needed someone to sneak him donuts, to rant to about Julia, hell, to keep him from experimenting with Titan-knew-what in there. Sephiroth did have a couple of very pointy-looking letter openers, if Zack recalled correctly. "I have to talk to him."

"Yeah, talking helps," Reno said lamely, "or so I've heard, anyway. But you got to get in there first. You got a plan?"

Zack tapped on foot, thinking things over. "Stalking doesn't seem to be working out too well."

"Yeah, plus it's the pits getting brought up on all those nasty legal charges."

"What?"

"Nothing. Got anything else up your sleeve?" Reno tapped his magrod against his calf. Zack frowned. Reno swiveled the rod up. "Well, since you're going the shady route, there's always bribery. Or breaking and entering if you get desperate. Oh, I know, how about kidnapping? He'd have to listen to you if you chain him to a chair and shine a bright light in his face."

Zack shot Reno a wild look and edged away. Reno, long used to the reactions that came with his turf, shrugged and started to walk away. "Just think about, 'kay? Since it means that much to you."

Zack nodded, only half-listening as he eyed the door. So Sephiroth had sneaked out for lunch and who knew, maybe a quart of cyanide for his coffee. General Moodiness. Zack swallowed at the very real possibility that Sephiroth was out doing something awful and/or self-destructive in this latest funk of his. He fidgeted in the hallway, unable to bear the thought.

Reno's words echoed faintly in his head. Turks did tend to be a bit more blasé about things other people found reprehensible, but there could be merit in an idea... And, Zack had no trouble admitting, it did mean that much to him.

"Okay, then, General," he muttered, "Enjoy your lunch, but I should warn you, dessert comes with an extra helping of Zack!"

* * *

 **Time:** 3 hrs 12 mins

 **Music:** Vast – Sunday I'll be Gone

 **Notes:** Cripes, so out of practice with this. Why, why, why did I let it sit so long? I like doing it. Anyhow, here it is and I promise I'm hard at work on PoS too. I know some people heartily object to the comic-relief Reno characterization that has surfaced with a vengeance since AC, but I always did see Reno as having that playful side. Exaggerated for AC, perhaps, since somebody had to lighten up the mood and it happened in such a short space of time anyway, but I hope to be showing his serious side as well. At least as much as I show anyone's in this. ;P


	17. The Cost of Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **The Cost of Friendship**

Present at ChocoMama's Little Choco Gift Shack - 15 gil

Bag of gummi Chocobos – 2 gil

Big box of farm animal shaped chocolates – 40 gil

Tin of chocolate covered cookies - 18 gil

Gift wrapping – 8 gil

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Come on, Seph, open the door!" Zack was practically wailing outside. "I brought you a present!"

"Bribery won't work, Zack," Sephiroth growled at his office door.

"You don't want it?" Zack called plaintively. "Okay... I guess if you don't want it, I'll have to eat them all myself."

Sephiroth's ears perked up then. It was food? And knowing that Zack, for all his tomfoolery, was not a true idiot, maybe it was something sweet. Fair knew enough to go after weak points.

"Such a shame," Zack's voice came through the door. There was crinkle as of paper unwrapping, cardboard shifting. "And they're such cute chocolates, too. Well can't let them go to waste!"

Chocolate? Sephiroth spun on one heel and marched back to the door.

"Look at this one," Zack said, "Cute little piggy! Oink, oink, oink!"

Sephiroth spun on his heel again, marching away from the door.

"Oh, down he goes!" Zack was talking with his mouth full now. "Go hang out with this morning's bacon!"

Sephiroth growled. His stomach did too. Even so, he could hear the faint rustle of plastic as Zack went through the chocolate. "Ooh, a moo cow! Yay! Oh, that was good!" Sephiroth's face twisted into a snarl. One hand hovered over the door handle. Over the sounds of Zack salivating his way through an almondy goat, two cherry-filled chicks and a dark chocolate cock, Sephiroth could hear Julia fussing in the background.

"Honestly, Mr. Fair, I don't know where you think you're going to get with this. The General doesn't go for candy like some hyperactive six-year-old."

Damn straight. Sephiroth turned his back on the mess, kicked the door a final time and went back to his desk. He had papers to sign.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Zack pressed his ear to the door. Yep, the General was back in his seat now. The man was likely to break his new desk if he kept stamping forms so hard. Zack sat back on his heels and eyed the box of mostly uneaten chocolates in front of him. He had figured it wouldn't be so easy. Sephiroth wouldn't give in to bribery just like that, or taunting either. Not with Julia out there to see it all go down. Zack popped a white chocolate rabbit into his mouth and did his best to ignore the woman's yammerings.

"This is entirely out of hand," she was saying, with a creak of skin tight leather. "You can't just walk up here and try to wreck havoc on his health with that... that filth!"

Zack turned. "Chocolate is not filth," he said. His voice was cold but the effect was a bit spoiled by a mouthful of white chocolate and raspberry cream.

"It might as well be as far as the General is concerned. He has to maintain perfect health and that starts with good nutrition." Julia waggled a pen at him, leaning over on her black patent leather stiletto boots. Zack wondered how she didn't just topple off the things. She seemed to feel the same as she soon straightened up and began to tap an impatient toe.

She really did look imposing like that, Zack had to admit. Large amounts of black leather just had that effect. Of course, it really would have been better if the leather in question fit properly. Julia's pants, while clearly expensive, had been cut for someone with a little more meat in key areas.

He held the tray of chocolates aloft. "Want one? You look like you could use it." Julia peered down at the tray, then spun on her heel with a sniff of disgust and tottered away. Zack shrugged. "Fine, more for me. And the General."

"He doesn't want any!" Julia said.

Zack nodded half-heartedly and shut the box. He tucked it back into the bag he had brought with him and rose from the floor, dusting off his knees. Maybe Julia was right. Maybe Sephiroth did not want chocolate right this very minute. But he'd want it eventually, Zack was sure of that. For now, there was nothing to do but make a tactical retreat.

He moseyed down the hallway, making sure to have the appropriate air of dejection around him. Wouldn't do to tip Julia off. Or the guards, for that matter. Sephiroth had to be enjoying the silence by now and just maybe, he was lulled into a false sense of security.

But Zack was a SOLDIER, dammit. He had his mission, both official and personal. Once he rounded the corner, he yanked out his cell phone and got to work.

One ring, two rings, three, then the pickup. "Yeah, Reno, I'll be needing you to make that call. I know. Look... yeah, yeah, I know, I owe you. Thanks anyway."

Zack snapped his phone shut and waited, fingers going white on the handles of the bag. Two minutes later he felt the first twitch of a cell phone getting ready to shake. He had it open before the first _bip_ sounded. "Yeah? Good, I'm on my way." Zack snapped the phone shut again and hit the stairs to get to the floor above.

Sneak, creep, listen... peek around the corner, check for signs of life. Left hallway clear. Guard dozing. Target area in sight, door open. Zack rushed forward with the speed only SOLDIERs possessed and firmly shut and locked the door behind him. He had bought himself perhaps a good hour or two with his distraction but even so, he wasn't about to waste his time.

He whipped his screwdrivers out and went to work. With a little jostle and shake, he got a window removed. The force of the wind immediately began blowing papers and greasy fast food wrappers around the room. Zack ignored them. The ropes went around the support beam. The harness went on him. The bag full of happy little presents went on his back.

He only needed to go down one floor and he figured it wouldn't take long, but as the cold began to sink in and the reality of just how high up he was and just how unorthodox a semi-military exercise this was hit him, he reconsidered. Maybe he hadn't really thought this out.

His phone rang. "It's me. He's through six already. Whatever you're planning, do it quick."

"Got it!" Zack secured his phone in a zippered pocket and threw himself off the side of the building.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Box of Twelve from Lardy Lad's Donut Shack- 15 gil

Rappelling gear from the army supply- free (on loan)

Bribe for Turk assistance in creating a diversion- 48 gil subscription to Jugs Monthly and half your immortal soul.

Helping your General whether he wants help or not and trashing Palmer's office while you're at it – Priceless.

* * *

 **Time:** 4 hrs 32 mins

 **Music:** Hampton the Hampster – Deck the Halls

 **Notes:** Yes, this is a very silly story.


	18. Ten Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint The Town**

 **Ten Twenty-Three**

At ten twenty-three and seventeen seconds Sephiroth shivered as a premonition of impending doom flitted across his soul.

At ten twenty-three and eighteen seconds he turned to the window to face the danger head on.

At ten twenty-three and twenty seconds he saw Zack swinging in towards the window from the floor up above.

At ten twenty-three and twenty-one seconds he realized the warning was a false alarm and let a little smirk grace his face.

At ten twenty-three and twenty-three seconds, Zack slammed into the windowed wall of Sephiroth's office with a very loud thwack.

At ten twenty-three and twenty-five seconds, Zack rebounded and thumped into it again.

At ten twenty-three and thirty-two seconds, after a series of bounces against the three-inch-thick reinforced glass, Zack finally came to rest, dangling from his rope against the side of the building, wondering what the hell had just happened.

Zack yanked the rope and kicked the glass a bit more but it wouldn't budge. Sephiroth's smirk turned into a dark grin. He took a seat in his enormous padded chair and swiveled it to face the window and take in the view. Zack threw him a thoroughly pitiable look, all pleading, proverbial puppy eyes.

After a few more minutes of watching Zack dangle, Sephiroth relented. He flipped his cell phone open, ever so casually, aware that Zack was watching his every move. He took his time, ignoring his speed dial options and pretending to search for the numbers. He heard Zack's phone ring through the glass. Zack twirled around as he tried to reach for it. Sephiroth almost snickered watching the man spin.

Zack struggled to flip his phone open with one hand. If it fell there was no telling how long Sephiroth would leave him hanging there, and a cellphone falling from such a height would probably go straight through to someone's stomach. Plus phones weren't cheap. "Hello?"

Sephiroth stretched out in his seat, watching Zack. "What, exactly, might you be doing there, SOLDIER?"

"Uh, hanging out?" Zack tried to get some leverage but damn, it was gusty up there. The breeze kept blowing him along before he could plant his feet down. Sephiroth could hear it gushing through the receiver.

"I assume you have a good reason for trying to enter my office in this fashion."

"Well, yeah," Zack spun helplessly, one boot toeing the glass. "You wouldn't let me in the regular way."

Sephiroth gave him that amused look. "So you decided that breaking the window was your best alternative?"

"Yah, uh-huh, hey, could you let me in? It's kind of cold this far up."

"Don't go asking for favors, SOLDIER. You've been caught attempting to break and enter your superior's office, for what I can only assume is some nefarious purpose." Sephiroth twisted his chair half-away to hide the smile. Yes, let Zack suffer a little, he could take it.

"But Seph," Zack wailed, "I was only trying to give you a present. You know that."

"I know you ate it."

"Not all of it! There's plenty left!" There was a firm stomp as Zack finally got both feet braced against the glass. He lifted one knee, even as Sephiroth watched, and tried again to shatter the window. Eventually it dawned on him. "Your office has the same stuff they use in the SOLDIER training center, doesn't it?"

Sephiroth gave him a withering look. Zack looked sheepish, a little like a puppy would, begging for love. Sephiroth felt something in him give, but not enough to relieve Zack just yet. "Why didn't you pick the lock on the door?"

"You deadbolted it. And that woman's out there. Too many witnesses."

Sephiroth took that in. So Zack did have some sneakier tendencies. Not good ones, but they were there. "And the air vents are out because...?"

"Dude, they smell like butt! They go right over the men's room, you know."

Sephiroth had to nod slightly. He rose and lifted the latch on the window. Zack wasn't all dumb, apparently, just energetic and blundering and tripping over himself, like a pup who hadn't grown into his feet yet. He could learn. He could be... trained.

Zack hit the floor with a careful roll, taking most of the impact on his shoulder to avoid crushing the goodies in his backpack. Sephiroth shut the window with a snap and turned. "So, what did you bring me?"

Zack grinned and wiggled around, nearly chasing a tail he didn't have as he tried to reach into the bag without taking it off his shoulders. Yes, Sephiroth thought, maybe it wasn't the same as having a real dog, but it would do.

* * *

 **Time:** 2hrs 42 mins

 **Music:** Safri Duo – The Bongo Song

 **Notes:** Uh, yeah, why does Seph have a window that opens that high up? And how long before Zack gets a good smack with a rolled-up newspaper? Will Seph remember to give him treats when he's been good or will he have to resort to begging? Will Seph be too harsh with his discipline? How far can I push this metaphor before you're convinced I'm a perv? (What, you're not convinced already? ;P)


	19. Sex and Candy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint The Town**

 **Sex and Candy**

"See, I didn't eat all the chocolates!" Zack held the box out for Sephiroth to see. The General frowned down at the tray. Zack was telling the truth. He hadn't eaten them all but there were an awful lot of empty paper cups in there. Sephiroth fought a sigh but his expression was mournful, for him.

Zack's grin grew sheepish. "Don't worry, there's plenty more than this." He set the box down on the desk and drew out a long wrapped cylinder. "Here, try that." Sephiroth took the tube and rolled it around in his hand, searching for the tape. He picked at it with a fingernail as Zack removed more wrapped items from his bag.

"There's this and this!" Zack declared, pulling out two lumpy, irregular shapes, the larger with a big gold ribbon attached. He looked up to find Sephiroth struggling with the gift wrapping. "Aw, Sir, not like that. You're supposed to rip it off."

Sephiroth graced him with a level stare. "What for?"

"It's part of the fun." Zack gesticulated wildly.

Sephiroth looked down at the tube in his hand. It was some kind of can, that much he figured, and picking at the tape was tedious. Still, he didn't want to make a mess. "I have more fun doing it this way," he said and flexed his fingers over one end, slipping the very tips of his fingernails into the gap left around the rim of the lid. He twisted carefully, slicing the paper clean through so he could slip it off.

Zack blinked. "Wow, how much did that manicure cost you?" Sephiroth barely glanced at him, too busy examining the tin. "Yeah, chocolate-covered cookies. I hope you like them."

Sephiroth turned the can one way, then another. It wasn't one of the fancier gourmet brands he had occasionally been offered when visiting officials and executives. No Costa del Solian dark chocolate chips, no East Kalm cocoa nibs, no Mideelian chili pepper dusting the tops, just plain double chocolate fudge cookies smothered in what would hopefully be a generous serving of smooth milk chocolate. It was something that could be obtained just about anywhere with ease, perfect for practical everyday dessert purposes. And the can had a pleasant weight to it, just right for smacking a hard head. Sephiroth did spare Zack a glance then, but decided to play nice. The boy had just brought him a nice present, after all.

He popped the lid off the can and was hit with the aroma of chocolate. He pretended to take a deep look inside the can to keep his face turned away, just in case he looked a little too satisfied. He could feel Zack's grin on him. "Go on," the young SOLDIER said. "Have one."

Sephiroth reached in and pried the top cookie loose. The chocolate had melted somewhat during the hazardous trip to the office, then cooled again, making the contents one conjoined mass. The cookies probably formed one sweet, sweet, solid bar of fudgey goodness. Sephiroth sank his teeth into his prize and tried not to shiver. His eyes fluttered closed as his tongue registered that unique flavor and the promise of high caloric value ignited his blood.

Zack watched from the floor, his eyes going wide. The General was ecstatic. Not leaping through the roof ecstatic, he reserved that for combat situations, but there was something about the look on the man's face, something unspeakably secret and rare and private. Sephiroth's breathing rate had increased a little and when Zack really concentrated on listening, the man's heartbeat seemed a bit fluttery. Little moans escaped as Sephiroth chewed and the look on his face was just dreamy. Zack may have been seeing things but it seemed that there was even the beginnings of a rosy flush on the man's cheeks.

Sephiroth finished the last bite and licked his fingers clean, drawing the very tip of each digit into his mouth for a quick swirl of the tongue to get the very last of the flavor. Zack swallowed when Sephiroth did, and forgot to breathe afterwards.

Sephiroth sighed, utterly content. His eyes opened slowly and he tilted the can to look inside it. "How many more of these are there?"

Zack blinked. "Uh, I dunno, twenty, maybe?" He scratched the back of his head furiously and looked away. His face felt hot, his breathing sounded way too loud and he was trying very hard not to think about the possibility that perhaps he'd grabbed shorts that were a little too snug that morning.

"Uh, here." He shoved the last two packages at Sephiroth. "These are yours too."

Sephiroth took them gracefully, moving with a languid grace after the calming experience of the chocolate. He could tell from the scent that these weren't chocolate, but the can was practically new, still very full, and he was already making a personal note to screw Hojo's recommended dietary allowances straight to Hades.

The first was a bag of colored, translucent soft candies. He held the bag up to the light. He'd seen these before. Small children seemed fond of them. He turned to Zack, who was huddled up on the floor, hugging his knees, looking slightly pink. "Those are gummi 'bocos," Zack explained. "Chewy fruit candy."

"Never had them. Are they good?" Sephiroth was definitely calmer now. He patted the sack gently, experimenting with the amount of bounce and give of what was inside.

Zack felt his mouth go dry. "Yeah," he squeaked out. "They're pretty good." Sephiroth had large hands, he noted, but graceful ones, and that touch looked surprisingly light.

Sephiroth turned to the final item, reaching in to draw out a ball of bright yellow plush. That was definitely not chocolate. It wasn't even food. The frown was back. "What is this?"

"It's a chocobo," Zack said, nodding too quickly. "You can cuddle it at night or just decorate the place with it."

"I do not cuddle," Sephiroth said flatly. His eyes weren't promising blizzards but the room did seem to get a little cooler, snapping Zack back to reality.

"Yeah, I didn't figure you would, but at least you have something to remember me by." He bounced up to his feet, grinning again.

"What would I need that for, Fair? You never leave long enough for me to forget you." Sephiroth reached for the cookie tin again and began prying another one out. Zack's grin grew rigid.

"Uh, Sephiroth, may I pretty please use your bathroom?"

"What's wrong with the one down the hall?" Sephiroth worked his long fingers into the small gap inside the tin, searching for the right spot to exert the perfect pressure.

"It's gross in there!" Zack wailed, looking anywhere but at the General's oddly sensitive treatment of a chocolate cookie tin. "Besides, you execs get the good toilet paper."

"Fine," Sephiroth said, tilting his head for a better view into the can. "But if you splash, clean it up."

Zack bit back a rejoinder about his aiming skills and rushed off to the side door. He latched it firmly behind him and flipped the toilet lid to sit down, content to give the General a moment alone with his cookie tin.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 **Time:** 1 hr 16 mins

 **Music:** Marcy Playground – Sex and Candy

 **A.N:** That was not the direction I meant this to go, but I'd been reading a gourmet chocolate site recently, including one page about 'How to eat truffles', how to savor every moment and let the entire experience play across all senses. The result of this late-night surfing is apparently Zack locked in the bathroom, all blushing and confused. ;p


	20. Below the Belt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint The Town**

 **Below the Belt**

Zack sat hunched over on the toilet, eyes on the black marble tiles on the floor, on the brushed metal fixtures. Even Sephiroth's bathroom looked like Sephiroth. There was no escape here.

"Oh, man," Zack groaned. Did the General have no idea of what constituted appropriate behavior? Okay, the answer to that was probably 'yes', the man was used to a battlefield more than anything, but still, nobody in a war camp would eat a cookie like that! Not with an audience. Not... unless he was making an offer.

Zack swallowed. It wasn't all that rare an occurrence. The long periods away from home and civilization, the stress of the job, guys found ways to work things out. Zack hadn't been in the thick of it long enough to ever feel the need, and then he'd found Aeris soon after. Plus he didn't swing that way. Really. He was just a healthy young man and his reaction was completely normal. The man-watching boner. It happened. And Seph was dead sexy, nobody would deny that.

Zack exhaled. Was the man making an offer? It didn't seem all that likely. Sephiroth didn't have much in the way of company but he didn't seem to need it either. And the rumors were just rumors, as far as Zack could tell. People would say anything to take the proud General down a peg, except they couldn't say it to his face and the ones that mattered, his SOLDIERs, weren't going to think much of it either way.

Zack's leg began to tremble. 'Dammit, dammit, stop thinking about Seph, dammit!"

Zack took a deep breath in and a deep breath out, then turned to the teenaged boys' failsafe – thinking of the most UN-sexy thing he could imagine. 'Um, Heideggar in a thong, ew, 'kay, that's good. Palmer in a bikini, EW! Ifrit's tits, I'll never beat off again!' Zack shook his head wildly and gripped the sides of the bowl.

He looked around, catching his grinning reflection in the mirror. "Hey, buddy, it worked!"

"Zack?" Sephiroth's voice came through the door, half-muffled with chewing. "Are you talking to yourself?"

"Uh, just admiring your bathroom, Sir." Zack looked around wildly. He hadn't realized he'd said that out loud.

"Is it nice?"

Zack frowned. "Yeah, it's real nice. Haven't you seen it?"

"Not since the remodel." There was a munching sound, if Zack really trained his SOLDIER hearing on it, a soft munching and chewing and lip-smacking, along with the soft throaty sounds of deep pleasure and contentment. Zack could just picture the man, leaning back for once now that he was alone, taking a bite from a cookie held between elegant fingers, heedless of the chocolate melted against them. Sephiroth was a graceful eater, neat to a fault, never spilling crumbs. But the melted chocolate would smear on his lips and he'd have to reach the tip of his tongue out to wipe it away.

Zack immediately realized that he'd landed himself back in his previous predicament. Damn hormones! Stupid, sexy General, making everybody stand at attention! Did the man really have to be so damn-

Oh crap! What if Sephiroth really was making an offer? What if he was taking Zack's offer of friendship and companionship the wrong way? He knew Zack had a girl, right? Or maybe he was one of those who thought that what happened in SOLDIER stayed in SOLDIER. Zack's mouth went dry. "Oh, no..." He'd brought the guy chocolates. And candy. And toys. Well, one toy, but a fluffy plush kind. It was pretty much what he would have given to Aeris as a 'courting gift', his mother would have called it.

Crappity, crappity crap, Zack thought, hunching down on the crapper. Talk about mixed messages. What was he supposed to do? The guy didn't like beer or any other kind of alcohol, from what Zack had seen. He didn't go for porn. Zack hadn't heard about him showing any interest in sports. He had a library Zack couldn't hope to improve. And he had a sweet tooth, which was all Zack had been thinking of at the time...

Sephiroth wasn't one to let opportunity slip by, and Zack wasn't too sure which team the man was playing for, if he played at all. What if he thought this was more than it was supposed to be? What if he really thought Zack was willing, and convenient? What if he was out there now, lounging back, undoing the buckles on his coat, letting the leather slide off one shoulder, then the other, to make a dark heap on the floor.

Think, Zack, think! And not about sexy, naked Seph! Zack leaned forward, gripping his head in both hands. His little problem wasn't going away. There was only one thing to do, Zack thought, if this really was going down the hill in that direction. He'd have to walk out there, as soon as he was able, and very calmly, very gently, turn Sephiroth down. Yeah, that was it. Maybe a friendly pat on the shoulder, a reassurance that it didn't mean the end of what they had together. The General was reasonable, most of the time. He'd understand. Maybe.

Or Sephiroth might kill him. The thought was as effective as a bath in ice water. Zack would have to remember that.

"Zack, are you alive in there?"

Zack jumped. The voice was just beyond the door now. "I'm fine!" he hollered back, too loud.

"Are you sure?" There was the slightest trace of something like concern in the man's voice. "You've been in there a while."

Zack cringed. "I'm fine, I'm fine!" He stood and unzipped. "Just got carried away admiring the place. I'll be out in a sec!" He raised the seat. No point being in there for no reason.

"Are you sure?" Sephiroth asked. "Maybe you need more fiber in your diet."

"Come on, man, you don't talk to a guy when he's going tinkle," Zack muttered. Louder, he said, "I'm fine, I said. Look, I'm coming out now." He finished up, reached for his zipper and yanked.

The resulting howl traveled through the air ducts and was heard at least two floors away.

* * *

 **Time:** 3 hrs 4 mins

 **Music:** Stephen Lynch – If I Were Gay

 **A.N.:** How much of what Zack's thinking about the situation is Zack secretly _wanting_ to think that about the situation? Boy's got some things he needs to sort out inside his head, that's for sure. But not right now, he's got more immediate problems.


	21. Rescuing Down Under

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Dis** **claimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Dis** **claimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Rescuing Down Under**

Sephiroth pounded on the door. "Zack, are you alright?" There was no answer. "Zack," Sephiroth tried again, a little softer, "is everything alright in there?" There was still no answer. Sephiroth's mind raced, trying to think of what was appropriate for the situation. He needed some kind of reply.

"It couldn't be mice in there," he said, attempting to draw out an answer. "Wait, is the toilet flushing right? Is it a plumbing problem?"

He waited, breathless and after a long moment, got his faint reply. "Yeah..." Sephiroth frowned. Zack's voice was high and thin all of a sudden.

"Did it spray everywhere?" Sephiroth cringed at the thought. Blocked plumbing, what a mess.

" 's not the toilet," Zack whined, voice breathy.

"Then what, SOLDIER?" Sephiroth tapped his toe. He heard the shaky gasp through the door.

"I'm... caught, Sir." Zack's voice wavered. Sephiroth's face fell with confusion.

"What do you mean 'caught'?"

"In my zipper, Sir," Zack breathed.

The light went on and Sephiroth's brain stood blinking into it like a trapped deer. He felt the sympathetic tug of his own anatomy trying to crawl back up inside for safety. "How bad is it?"

"I can't move, Sir." Zack sounded close to passing out.

Sephiroth gave no warning. He jabbed his fist forward and succeeded in denting the door. Steel replacement, he had time to note angrily, veneered in the front to look like wood. He swung again, with more appropriate force and snapped the deadbolt in two. He yanked the door open furiously, searching wildly for his subordinate.

Zack lay curled like a comma on the floor, huddled up to protect his injury. Sephiroth got down on his knees and tried to make Zack unfurl. "Come on, SOLDIER, we need to assess this."

Zack let out a piercing wail. "Not so hard, what's wrong with you! Oh, Gaia, it hurts! It HURTS!"

Sephiroth overlooked the snappiness, recovering quickly from the shock to take charge. "Of course it hurts, Zack. You're going to need medical attention. Now turn over so I can see how bad it is!"

Zack was beginning to hyperventilate. "I can't move," he gasped out. "I can't..."

Sephiroth shook his head. "Then I'll move you." He gripped Zack's thighs even as the boy whimpered a protest, and rolled Zack onto his back with surprising gentleness.

Zack wrapped his arms around his head, breathing hard, whimpering and trembling. His eyes were shut tight, the lashes damp. Sephiroth swallowed and turned his attention lower. "Relax a little, Zack," he said in the voice he usually reserved for coaxing wary chocobos. "I need to see."

"Mmngh!" Zack protested. "I don't want you looking!"

Sephiroth choked down a spark of irritation and rubbed the outside of Zack's thighs to relax the tense muscle. "It's nothing I don't see in the locker room, Zack. I have Restore materia but I want to see what we're dealing with."

Zack waited a moment, chest hitching as he breathed. Then he slowly let his legs down as far as he dared. "I can't..." he whimpered.

"That's okay," Sephiroth said and assessed the situation.

There was no blood. For that, Sephiroth was grateful. It was an unholy mess of flesh and fabric though, the zipper having gone up a good way before stopping. Sephiroth cringed inside. He turned his head one way, then the other, trying to work out the best way to get the zipper off.

"Sephiroth," Zack whinged, "I can't feel my toes."

Sephiroth frowned. "I'm sure that's just in your head, Zack. The problem's not in your feet."

"I'm serious," Zack whined, opening his eyes a little. "I can't feel my knees, or anything."

"Take deep breaths," Sephiroth advised, more to distract Zack than anything. He figured he could yank the zipper back down again, if he was quick about it, but he wasn't sure how Zack would take to that. The boy was looking disturbingly pale.

"Seph..." Zack whispered, pupils wide in the fluorescent overhead light. "I think I'm dying."

"You're not dying!" Sephiroth snapped, chest thudding. "No SOLDIER of mine is dying from a simple groin injury!"

'Simple' may not have been the word for it though. There were bits of, thin, patterned fabric poking up through the zipper, torn bits of Zack's boxers, Sephiroth surmised. "Are those tonberries on your shorts, SOLDIER?"

"Yes, Sir," Zack whimpered, sounding as if his voice had never broken in puberty. "Tonberries are badass."

Sephiroth stared at Zack's pale face and too-bright eyes. It didn't seem as if the effect was carrying over. "Look, I think I can get this off," he said, kneeling up for the pump bottle of soap. "We just need a little lubrication and some prep time. I don't think it should hurt for more than a minute."

Zack began to squirm wildly, or as much as he could manage in his condition, at any rate. "No, Sir! No! You are not doing it that way! I won't let you!"

"You can't stop me, SOLDIER! We have to get this zipper off you before the only choice left is to amputate!"

Zack froze, turning the exact color of the porcelain throne. "Tell my mother I died well." He slumped backwards, head hitting the tile with a thump. His breathing slowed and he was terribly quiet.

Sephiroth squirted some soap onto his fingers, ready to lubricate the area. Zack's unseeing stare made him pause. Maybe Zack had entered a wonderful endorphin rush stage, where he couldn't feel a thing. If so, it would be cruel to repeat the process that put him there in the first place. There had to be some way to free him, short of the Jaws of Life. Sephiroth leaned in for a closer look.

With a sharp nod to himself, he hooked his fingers into the waistband of Zack's pants and pulled. Zack's sharp cry mixed with the sound of fabric ripping. He arched sharply, fell to the floor again and didn't move.

Sephiroth leaned back on his knees, stared down at the broken zipper halves on the ripped uniform pants he held. He'd pulled out to the sides, parting the zip from the tender flesh instead of running it back over the area again. Everything should be okay now.

Except Zack wasn't moving. His breathing was inaudible and his eyes had rolled up into the back of his head. Sephiroth felt his heart thud again as he considered for a nightmare second that maybe Zack really had died.

He dropped the rags in his hand and leaned over his Second. "Zack," he cried, planting a hand on either side of the man's head. "Zack, speak to me." He couldn't keep the slight roughness out of his voice. He felt his chest begin to heave, taking over the hyperventilation Zack had left behind.

Zack blinked, coming to. Sephiroth heaved a sigh of relief. "So," Zack croaked out, taking stock of their positions and his sudden state of undress, "was it good?"

* * *

 **Time:** 1 hr 43 mins

 **Music:** Brass band practising the Fuurinkazan theme outside.

 **A.N.:** I'll be on a trip for the next couple of weeks and thought maybe that was too long to leave Zacky all huddled up on the bathroom floor, so I hope that was a satisfying little rescue for you. ;p (But seriously, IRL, don't do like Sephy does, get professional help. XD)


	22. Hard to Stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **Hard to Stand**

"Was what good?" Sephiroth looked confused.

"Whatever happened just now," Zack said weakly. "Musta been real good. I can't remember it."

Sephiroth huffed. "You were only out for two seconds. It will come back."

Just then, it did, and all the pain with it. Zack lost what little color he had regained and shuddered as he cried out, back arching slightly before he tried to roll over and curl in on himself again. "Easy, easy," Sephiroth coaxed, reminded of when his first chocobo had suffered injury. Of course it was doubtful that Zack was in any condition to lash out.

"Sephiroth, Sir?" Zack asked, face half down against the tiles. Sephiroth leaned down to hear. "Can you get me some ice?"

"Ice? Zack, you need medical attention."

"No." Zack's cheeks began to pink up again. "I don't want to go back down there."

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"It was worse."

Sephiroth would have cuffed Zack for idiocy if the boy weren't already plainly hurting. "Zack, you need to have this looked at."

Zack tensed up, giving himself a pocket of space in the important areas. "I don't want anybody looking at it." He glanced down himself and his face crumpled. Tears threatened to spill. He shifted slightly, curling inwards as much as he could, bringing a leg up to hide his shame. Not that he had anything to be ashamed of, Sephiroth noted, beyond the bruising.

"It's not that bad, Fair," Sephiroth chided.

"Not that bad? Not that bad!" Zack's scream was still hitting the upper registers in distress. "You know what'll happen if word of this gets out? I'll be laughing stock of SOLDIER!" Sephiroth held his tongue. "Oh, man, the nurses in that place would be laughing too, and you know girls can't keep their mouths shut." Sephiroth kept his silence again. Zack gripped his forehead. "Oh, man, what if Reno finds out? That'd be terrible."

That, Sephiroth had to agree, would be a travesty. "I have materia, Zack, but you know Restore isn't the best thing for delicacy. You don't have to go to the medics, but are you sure you don't want someone to make sure everything's working right?"

Zack went wide-eyed. "Oh, Gaia..." Sephiroth tried not sigh too loudly. "Oh man, oh man, oh man," Zack began wailing afresh. Sephiroth sat back on his heels and mused over Zack's priorities in life.

"Zack, you're young and healthy and a SOLDIER besides. I'm sure there won't be any lasting damage."

"Oh, gods, I hope not! I'm too young to have to give up chasing tail!" Zack's lower lip actually began to tremble.

"You won't have to," Sephiroth said, more because he was certain of his men's ability to recover than out of any need to comfort Zack with what the boy needed to hear.

"I mean, oh, Shiva," Zack continued, "how long do you figure I'll have to wait." Sephiroth wanted to say hours or days but Zack kept babbling, working himself into a fine fit of hysterics. "What if it takes months? Or years? How long do I have to wait? When can I get laid again! Oh, Gaia, CAN I STILL MASTURBATE?"

Sephiroth felt all hope for a truly intelligent military die right there. "I wouldn't recommend it while you're in that condition."

Zack looked down at himself again and resumed whimpering. "Oh, Mr. Happy, please say you'll be happy again, please, pretty please!"

"Mr. Happy?" Sephiroth murmured. Yep, SOLDIER or not, his men could be dolts. Or maybe this was just Zack. Maybe.

"Please, say you'll be okay! You've been my buddy since always, you're my BFF, I can't go on without you!"

Well, that definitely had to be just Zack. "Fair, you're talking to your penis."

"What, you don't care about yours?" Zack snapped.

Sephiroth wanted to smack his head into the closest hard surface. "I don't obsess over it. And I certainly never attempt to engage it in conversation."

Zack curled up tighter. The whimpers faded into soft sniffles and sobs. His shoulders trembled. Sephiroth frowned. Maybe it wasn't just a young man's foolishness. "Zack, I think you're a little shaken up by this. Maybe you should see someone after all."

"For what, a prescription for the blue pill?"

"For counseling. Or reassurance." Sephiroth stood and offered Zack a hand up. Zack turned away. "Zack, clearly this has hit you in a few unexpected ways. It might be best to get a professional assessment so you don't drive yourself mad over wild imaginings. Or hurt yourself doing things you shouldn't."

Zack looked at him slowly, lashes damp with tears. Sephiroth inwardly thought that if Zack weren't so wrapped up in his hormones and his reputation, this wouldn't be half the problem the boy was making it out to be, but he said nothing. He never understood quite why people attached so much status to the thing.

Zack took his hand eventually and let himself be pulled up. Sephiroth helped him shed the rags of his uniform pants, pointedly looking away as Zack fumbled with the scraps. Sephiroth stepped outside and gave him space to emerge when he was ready.

"Sit down, Zack," he said, suggesting more than ordering. He went to his brand new mini-fridge to pour the boy a glass of water.

Zack gave him a weak smile, tugging his knit shirt down as far as he could. "You don't mind ass prints on your couch." Sephiroth shrugged. He hadn't thought of that and he didn't think it mattered. When he turned around, Zack was sitting carefully on one end, limbs pulled tight together, hunched over his lap. Sephiroth frowned, feeling a pang at the absence of Zack's usual sprawl.

"Here," he said, handing Zack the water. He went over to his desk to retrieve his materia and in moments sent a soft wave of healing energy all over Zack, hoping it would soothe nerves as well as the actual injury.

The tension left Zack in a visible rush and a weak hint of the usual grin returned. "That does feel better," Zack admitted. "Looks better too."

"You should still take it easy for a while," Sephiroth said. "Nothing strenuous. And no unnecessary contact." His voice made it clear what he meant.

"Hey, that is very necessary!" Zack gave him a mock mule-headed glare. Then he sank into the cushions. "I mean, it's not like I'm getting any other kind of action these days."

Sephiroth cocked his head. "Are you between girlfriends again?"

Zack's head shot up. "What? No, no. Just... well, she's kind of, well, not exactly sheltered, but not really a forward kind, you know what I'm saying?" Sephiroth didn't really but silence let him pretend he did.

Zack sighed, leaning forward, elbows on knees. "Damn, I really hope there's nothing permanent. I wanted kids."

Sephiroth blinked. "Children?"

"That's what I said. And I mean it's not like we've gotten that far or anything, but I kinda get the feeling she'd like some too."

"I'm sure you still can. The production machinery is fine. It's just the delivery system that needs repairs."

Zack grinned. "You got a way with words, Seph, anybody ever tell you that?"

Sephiroth blinked, then cleared his throat. "How many were you hoping to have?"

Zack shrugged. The grin was getting stronger by the second. "Lots, man. I want my own rugby team. Wouldn't that be awesome?"

Sephiroth felt like he needed a shot of Cure for his nerves now. Or a shot of vodka, either would do. Fortunately, from the sound of things, Zack's girlfriend felt the same way Sephiroth did. The General wondered briefly if they should join forces to maintain the status quo till Zack matured enough to have some actual sense in his head. The world wasn't ready for that many Zack Fairs.

"Sir," Zack called out, bringing Sephiroth's attention to more immediate concerns. "Not that I want to be a bigger bother or anything, but can I borrow some pants?"

* * *

 **Time:** 4hrs 23 mins

 **Music:** Gregorian Masters of Chant – Send Me An Angel

 **Notes:** This chapter really didn't know where it wanted to go. What to do with a Zack in distress? He should be fine in a bit. Well, aside from Seph potentially plotting to mess up his love life. ;D Thanks for all the comments and good wishes for the trip. It was fantastic. A few pics at LJ/IJ if you want to take a look.


	23. In His Pants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town.**

 **In His Pants**

"You want to what?" Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow at his Second.

Zack shrugged sheepishly and pointed down at his lap. "I can't go out your door like this. What will people say?"

Sephiroth frowned. "You could sneak out the way you came."

"Whuh? I can't go through Palmer's office with no pants!" Zack swallowed and glanced up at the ceiling. "You know he has a thing for plump hams."

Sephiroth took a seat, shaking his head. "Well, it's true he's not very discriminating, but you can outrun him, can't you, SOLDIER?"

"And then what?" Zack shifted. "I still have to make it through the building and the air-conditioning is nippy. Plus I can't really run that fast right now."

Sephiroth massaged his forehead with one hand, long fingers pressing small circles at his temples. "Zachary, it's not like I have a wardrobe in here. What makes you think I'd have pants to spare."

"You got a toothbrush."

"I do?"

"Yeah, back in the bathroom, next to the dish full of pretty seashell soap."

Sephiroth gave a wry snort. Shinra's image consultants at work again. "Was there toothpaste? Because I don't use that fresh-stripe kind."

"Seph, dammit, can I just have some pants?" Zack whined and tried to stand. His groin had other ideas. He collapsed back into the couch, gasping for air and hoping for more ice.

"I don't have any pants to give you!" Sephiroth snapped. "Besides, they wouldn't fit."

Zack let his head roll back into the soft padding of the couch. "I could strap them up real good. What else are all the belts for?"

Sephiroth had to admit the boy had a point. He sighed. "I suppose." He looked around the office. No one would fuss if he took off early. He almost never did it and he had gathered more than enough leave to cover it in any case. "I suppose..." he began again. "Look, I'll lend you my pants on a few conditions."

Zack sat up straight, all ears. Sephiroth had a sneaking suspicion the boy would perk them up and angle them forward if he could. "First," Sephiroth swiveled in his chair and held up one hand. "I want them back, clean and pressed." Zack shrunk a little.

"Second," Sephiroth continued, "nobody hears about this. Nobody!" Zack nodded.

"Third, this is not going to become a habit of yours. You will not borrow my towel, my comb, my toothbrush that I didn't know I had or my pretty seashell soap."

"Aww, but you're not using them-"

"I may change my mind about the soap later," Sephiroth held up a hand, "but if you use my toothbrush, I'll kill you."

"Hey, no worries, Sir." Zack gripped the armrest and pulled himself upright, turning slightly to hide the last of the bruising. "There's limits to everything. I got that."

Sephiroth took a deep breath. "Good. As long as we understand each other." He turned his back to Zack and began to undo his buckles.

"Whoa, whoa, you're lending me _those_ pants?"

Sephiroth froze. "They're the only pants I have here, Fair."

"Uh, okay. But what are you going to wear?"

Sephiroth shrugged and undid his fly. "The coat is long and the boots are tall. They'll have to do."

"Well, alright," Zack said, sounding uncertain. "If you're sure."

As a matter of fact Sephiroth wasn't sure but at that point there wasn't much he would not have done to preserve what little sanity was left in his day. He labored past the elaborate buckles of his boots in silence and slipped his slacks off.

"Here," he said, holding them out without turning. He heard the shuffling sound of Zack inching his way across the carpet, still unable to manage a proper step. Sephiroth felt the slight quiver of his hair moving from Zack's breath and the weight was taken from his fingers.

"Thanks," Zack said quietly. They both settled down to get dressed again, Sephiroth working his boots back on and Zack inching the fortuitously baggy pants upwards the best he could. There was no sound but the creak of leather and an odd whimper or two.

Zack was breathing hard by the time he got to the buckling stage. The color was all wrong and the pants were far too long, but they were roomy and that, Zack realized, was very, very important for someone who suddenly couldn't put any pressure at all on his fun zone.

When he next looked up, Sephiroth was already sitting down again, folds of leather draped elegantly over his lap. Those boots sure were tall, Zack had to admit, his eyes tracking upwards into the shadows to try to find the end. Just natural guy-curiosity about a buddy, of course.

"Can you make it home on your own," Sephiroth asked, voice calm and steady as if he absolutely was not sitting in his office in a scandalously pants-free state. Well, no, perhaps he had boxers. Or briefs. Zack's eyes flicked to the shadow between the General's knees again, seeking a sign. What color? Had he mentioned something about going commando at any point, because there was some talk in the locker rooms...

And then, with the quick-creep action of very unpleasant thoughts, Zack became exceptionally aware of his own lack of underoos.

"Go home, Zack," Sephiroth said, head bowed to his papers again. "Get some rest."

"Uh huh," Zack mumbled, reaching into the pockets to pull the fabric up as far away from him as possible. Going pure skin in your good pal's soft, tailored body-warmed slacks didn't count as actual contact, right?

* * *

 **Time:** 4 hrs, 42 mins.

 **Music:** The Village People – YMCA

 **Notes:** For all those who were hoping Zack would get into Sephy's pants, there ya go! ;P


	24. There's Something Strange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Paint the Town**

 **There's Something Strange**

"My office is haunted!"

"Haunted." Tseng leveled a stare at the fat man before him. "What has led you to this conclusion, Director Palmer?"

Palmer tried to squirm in his seat but his girth did not leave the room for it. "My window opened up by itself while I was out and all my papers were flying around. At first I thought the latch had come loose but then I heard it!"

Tseng let nothing show on his face. "Heard what, exactly?"

"The ghost! The most ungodly shriek that ever was!" Palmer was bouncing now. The seat creaked dangerously. "It came right up the ventilation shaft! It sounded liking something dying in there!"

Tseng kept his reactions in check. He would humor the man; it was part of his unwritten job description but some days, Shinra execs could be a real trip. "I will send someone to investigate. In the meantime, why don't you head down to medical and have them look you over. It sounds like you've had quite a shock. You could probably use something calming." What the man needed was probably quadruple bypass surgery, but Tseng wasn't about to set the man down that route. The Turks had their own agenda.

"I don't need a damned valium!" Palmer wheezed. "The only thing I've ever needed is a jumbo bowl of Choco-Joe's four-cheese mashed potatoes, with the extra-greasy gravy. Comfort food, that's what I need!" Tseng felt slightly sick to his stomach.

"I'll have some of my best men on the situation. You can wait here if you'd like an escort back to your office."

"Oh, no, I am NOT going back there! Not until you have the whole place exorcised and clear out the ectoplasm!"

Tseng blinked. "Ectoplasm?"

"Yes, ectoplasm! What ghosts are made of? Don't you Turks know anything?"

Tseng straightened a file on his desk. "I must admit, Palmer, that ghostbusting is not exactly our area of expertise. We will do what we can, of course."

"You better." Palmer sniffed. "I had ten years worth of burger smells in that office. There's no way I can get that back in a hurry."

"Would you like a seat outside while you wait?" Tseng asked, eager to shove the man out the door. Close proximity to Palmer made his skin feel like a breakout was imminent. Too bad Turks were not any good at investigating auras either. Tseng was sure Palmer's would be the color of week old griddle grease.

"What the hell do you think this is, Turk? I need to go home and relax! While you're setting up a séance of whatever it is you need to do to get the shrieking zombie out of my room, I want an escort to my apartment on the double."

"You'll have it," Tseng promised. Thank Gaia it was a slow day.

"Good! I'll just make my way up to the helicopter pad, then." Palmer tried to rise but the chair came up with him, hanging on to his hips. Tseng looked away.

"You want a helicopter?"

"Of course! You don't think I'm going to take the highway, do you? That's exactly where a ghost would look."

Tseng astutely kept the thought that if ghosts existed they probably flew to himself. "I'll meet you up there and personally see you off, then. Will that be all?"

"For now." Palmer extracted himself from his seat. The chair hit the floor with a thud and rattle. Tseng knew it would never be the same. Ever the diplomat to the execs, he waiting until Palmer had successfully navigated his bulk through the door before letting out a sigh and reaching for the phone.

Zack ignored Julia's poisonous glare and inched his way down the hall, leaning heavily on the wall for support. Maybe he should have asked Sephiroth to just smack him a good one to knock him out, and then haul him off to the infirmary for real treatment. But then that would have raised questions and like hell was he going to let anybody find out about this. He hissed as a seam brushed against a sore spot. This day had turned into such a bitch.

"Yo, Zack!" Reno's voice came at him from behind. "How'd it go?"

Zack tried to turn but couldn't manage it. He tried to straighten up a little, at least. "I'm okay," he said, though his groin was telling a different story. He was pretty sure he had ice packs in the freezer at home. Or at least frozen peas.

"You sure, man?" Reno skidded to a stop and slapped Zack's back. Zack lurched and choked off a cry. "Dude, you don't look so hot."

"I'm okay, Reno, really." Zack said, breathing a little heavily.

Reno studied him. "If you say so, man. How'd it go?"

"About the same as always, to tell you the truth." Zack smiled wryly. When was Seph ever not bristly and not admitting he needed some company?

Reno couldn't stop looking Zack over. "You sure? Because I gotta say, you don't look too steady on your feet there. Something's not right here."

Zack cringed inside. Reno was the ultimate snoop of Turk snoops. What if he could sniff out exactly what had happened?

"Aha!" Reno declared. Zack's heart nearly gave out. "Your pants don't match your shirt. What the hell happened to you?"

"Uh," Zack fished around for an excuse. "I, uh, I was in a rush this morning."

"Bee ess, Fair, I saw you this morning, remember? Besides, those pants aren't yours."

Zack's heart packed its bags for the next bus out of town. Reno rocked back on his heels, looking mighty pleased with himself. Zack gulped. He leaned on the wall for support. "How did you know?" he asked, keeping it quiet.

"Number one!" Reno held up a finger. "They're too big and baggy on you. Any pants I can't see a fine SOLDIER ass like yours in should be declared a crime. Two, you didn't tuck them into your boots properly and you missed a belt loop in the back, which tell me either you dressed in a hurry or you're not used to this design. And three!" Reno leaned in. "They look way too expensive for a broke-ass grunt like you."

Zack looked down at the supple leather. Reno had him there. "I guess." He sighed.

"So, are they his?" Reno asked. Zack looked up. "Come on," Reno coaxed, "who else were you planning to see today?"

Sephiroth's warning rang in Zack's ears. "You can't tell anyone! Not even Rude! I'm serious!"

"Of course I won't tell anyone, SOLDIER-boy." Reno studied his fingernails. "I know good blackmail material when I see it."

"Damn!"

Reno grinned. "So how'd that happen anyway? You had a trade off?"

Zack crossed his arms. "That is none of your business."

" _Everything_ within these walls is my business, Fair," Reno drawled. His smile faltered a little. "Besides, even without the pants issue you don't look too good. What's got you?"

"It's nothing, Reno. Thanks for your help and all, but I gotta go."

"Dude, you're limping. What's up with that?"

Zack shrugged, trying to make it nonchalant. "I'm just kinda sore."

"You're sore?"

"Yeah." Zack gave Reno a wry smile. "It's nothing out of the ordinary."

"It's not?"

"Not for SOLDIER. You know how the General is, it's all about roughing and toughing out everything." Zack looked aside. He could feel his cheeks flaming.

"So what kind of sore leaves you limping like a boy-whore at a thong convention?"

Zack sputtered. Somewhere in the back of the good Gongangan boy part of his brain, his mother's voice screeched at him about the company he kept. "It was an accident!"

"What, you banged your crotch in a door?" Reno raised an eyebrow?

Zack winced. That was hitting a little too close to the truth. "My leg and a desk, if you must know," he blurted. He was no Turk but even SOLDIERs learned to think on the fly.

Reno still wasn't buying it. Zack's limp had a flavor to it that Reno wasn't sure he liked. Reno leaned in closer. "He was rough on you, huh?" Zack stared open-mouthed. Reno made a sound. "Look, you can't fool a Turk. I know hurt when I see it."

"I'm okay!" Zack insisted, rushing to his General's defense. "I'm not hurt bad. He didn't do anything a SOLDIER can't handle." And it had completely been his own fault too. Did people think Sephiroth was beating on his men? What the hell was up with that?

Reno gave him a level stare. "Zack, be honest with me now. It doesn't go beyond the two of us."

Zack sighed. He would have to toss the Turk something because Reno just wasn't letting go. "He liked his presents. It's just that some of the stuff that came afterwards… well, it was… kinda heavy, but I _needed_ it, you know?"

"Oh. Oh!" Reno mulled that over. He had his suspicions. "You sure you don't need me to get you to Medical or anything?"

"Nah, it's cool." Zack tried to wave him off. He could manage. "I'm a SOLDIER, I've had worse. I'll heal up and be ready for another round by tonight."

Reno stared. "You SOLDIER boys love your punishment, don't you?"

Zack shrugged. "It was my fault anyway."

That set off the final alarm. Reno drew breath to launch into a tirade against abuse that would have made his legions of unknown redheaded ancestors proud. It would have shaken the stars from the heavens, called forth the spirits of the uneasy dead, cured diabetes and opened the gates to the netherworld. But his phone rang.

"Shit, hold on! Yeah, what! Oops, sorry, sir." He turned away, frame stiff with tension. "Yeah, uh-huh… What? Seriously? Okay, okay, I'll be there, bossman." He flipped his phone closed and rounded on Zack. "You!"

"Me?" Zack blinked. Turk business couldn't have anything to do with him, right?

"Yeah, you." Reno leaned close and lowered his voice. He was a Turk first, but he'd had a life before that. He knew his way around more than one kind of sensitive issue. "Look, I know you big, bad SOLDIERs like to tough things out and handle everything on your own, but there's some things that just ain't a one-man job, you know what I'm saying? If you need a hand with anything, and I mean anything, you call me."

"Uh, okay, I guess."

"I'm serious, Fair! I own half your soul, remember? I want it in good condition when I collect."

Zack stuck his tongue out. "Can't I barter it back with another porn subscription?"

"You got the cash for that?"

"Uh…"

"Exactly!" Reno shoved his phone back in his pants. "Look, I hate to leave you like this and we'll definitely talk later, but I gotta go. Palmer thinks he has a poltergeist or something."

"A what?"

"I know, right? Don't you have to be intelligent to attract one of those? Anyhow, I'm on immediate 'special investigative' duty."

Zack cocked his head. "They're asking the Turks to track a ghost?"

Reno shrugged. "Who you gonna call?" He backed down the hall towards the elevators. "You got my number, Fair! Use it if you have to!" He turned away, shaking his head. The image of Zack limping his way along in that condition stuck with him. It wasn't like Reno could do anything about the General's methods, but if Zack decided he was ready for a way out, Reno could definitely help with that.

* * *

 **Time:** 5 hrs 17 mins

 **Music:** Ghostbusters - Ray Parker, Jr.

 **Notes:** If you follow my work I'm sure you're used to the delays by now. Since there's usually nothing serious riding on fanfic it gets pushed to the background for more important things, but the times are calling for a little something different.

Over at the LJ auction Community Help_Haiti, fandom is pledging all kinds of fanwork in exchange for a donation to a reputable charitable organization of your choice that is providing aid in the earthquake's wake. Definite deadlines, and generally your choice of characters, genres and prompts. Details of my offers in particular are here, without the spaces:

http : / / ardwynna – m . livejournal . com / 66096 . html

I'm willing to toss in quick digital sketch illustrations as a bonus for some 'auction lots'. If my work doesn't suit, please check out what the rest of the comm has to offer or possibly offer up some time and talent of your own. We are powerful, fandom. :)


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